Jewish Musings, Friday/Shabbat, August 5-6, 2016

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind – how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

[peachymom1]

Boker tov! Right before DH’s hip replacement surgery (four weeks ago now), one of my sisters remarked, “You’ll certainly find out just how much he does.” I kind of scoffed at that; I knew I’d have to take on all the driving, shopping, errands, cooking, housework, etc. And I knew our sons would help a lot (and they have). And I’m grateful that this is just a temporary situation, not a serious illness, God forbid, that could go on for a long time. But all kinds of other little unexpected things have come up that require extra work or planning, and although I’ve always appreciated DH’s particular set of contributions to the running of the household, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of just how much we rely on each other and complement each other.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, because one of my closest friends just filed for divorce last week, and a lot of their conflict over the years has had to do with the division of labor and responsibility. There are trust and communication issues too, but the one thing she’s complained to me about consistently has been her DH’s failure to do his share.

In your partnerships, past and/or present, how do you decide who’s in charge of what? DH and I have decided pretty much as we’ve gone along, sometimes taking quite a bit of time to hash something out when we disagreed. Everyone I know who has children has had to hammer out the division of labor once the kids have come along, but there are plenty of other areas to work out too. As gender roles and stereotypes have faded (thank God), there’s been more awareness and negotiation needed. How have you handled these things? If you’re not in a partnership, or if you don’t want to share that, what do you observe in other partnerships about how responsibilities are shared?

Shabbat shalom!

[hollygail]

Great questions! DH and I have been together almost 23 years. During the "dating" phase, I made dinner for him once, and he made dinner for me several times. He really enjoyed cooking (his then 19 year old son was living with him, so he was used to making dinner for the two of them every night) and I enjoyed it only sometimes, so it was pretty clear that he was going to take on the responsibility of cooking most of the time. It turned out that I make breakfast/brunch (which I do enjoy) and he makes dinner. Mostly. I make things like brown rice (which goes into the refrigerator, sort of bulk style, and each of us takes a helping when we want to). He grills a couple of pounds of boneless skinless chicken breasts at a time for me (they too go into the refrigerator to be eaten whenever; sometimes some go into the freezer). We have pre-made salads (ya know, the kind they sell in the supermarkets in the 5 to 10 oz bags that often say something like 3 servings per bag) in the refrigerator most of the time (and a selection of salad dressings). That's dinner for me most nights (and sometimes chicken for lunch). We hired someone to come in every two weeks to do the house cleaning; each of us does our own laundry). It was easy. Nothing much to work out. It sort of came naturally.

[happysavta]

For the first 32 years, while my husband was a student or working in his profession, he had no time to take on or share any household tasks. He would typically work 80-100 hours a week, 7 days a week. What little time he had, his priority was to spend some time with the children or try to sleep. My husband isn't the least handy around the house, so I've never given him a honey-do list.

I raised the kids and I ran the household by myself during those years, very traditional role. Having a special needs child made it really hard, but I managed to muddle through. One way or another, time passes.

After my husband "retired" in 2001, he took on doing the laundry and driving around doing errands and would help with washing the floors or vacuuming and paying the bills. He would make my breakfast and coffee every morning. This past year, though, he's travelled abroad three times for extended periods, so I'm on my own again.

[happysavta]

If I were writing about my children, that would be a different story. My sons and my son in law share equally in both the child rearing and in the household chores. I don't see that they have any problem in accepting those roles or in being expected to do their half.

But the wives also share equally in working full time or running a business and bringing home the money. And one of my daughters in law is more adept at painting or fixing a door lock than my son is, so she's the handywoman.

[lee058]

Good morning everybody! Hope you are all well today. I got back my blood test results, and my thyroid levels are normal. This is a big relief. However, there is no explanation as to why I was suddenly showing symptoms. I will be seeing my endocrinologist next month and hopefully she will have some answers.

Today's questions are good, and I am planning on putting some time into answering them. Not right now, though, as I am drinking my coffee and going to go read the paper soon. But I do have some things I'd like to share about the topic.

Have a peaceful day, Lee

[bosh22]

I've been married 34 years. Right from the start dh and I decided I would stay home with the kids. It was hard. We didn't have a lot of money but this was right for us and the best decision we ever made. To this day dh says to the kids, " if you had to rely on me for anything other than money, you'd be in a world of hurt. Thank your Mother."
Did has a 8 week old baby. Both are working and she won't ask her husband for help. She says he doesn't offer. Rally? Tell him what you need from him. Spell it out. So frustrating that she comes to me and complains and won't listen to my advice. She is headed for a meltdown. She just started back to work Monday. She works 9:30-6:00 but usually doesn't get home until 6:45-7:00. Not much time to spend with the baby. Breaks my heart.
As for Ww, not the best week. I gained 1.6 this week. So this week I am journaling and hoping to have a loss next week.

[savtele]

Boker Tov All! DH & I married "late" in life - I was 40. So childrearing never came into it for us.

Growing up, his family ate canned corn, peas & carrots, and beans. That is all. He didn't know any other vegetables, really. (they do eat tomatoes in summertime) My family eats any and everything that grows. So shopping, food prep/cooking is on me. Mom & I were laughing about that - if he's left on his own, he eats pizza. He does help me with Costco shopping, but I give him a detailed list & he asks questions when he can't figure it out. I also do all laundry - he's finally starting to figure out how to separate clothes according to color, but that's not been an easy lesson. (my jeans & undies washed together 1ce - that's when it became my job!) I do kitchen cleaning & window washing on the South side of the house - he does the North side (requires going up a ladder) except when the grandkids come over to help with that. Then I hand everyone a spray bottle, a roll of paper towels, point them to a window, the big boys do get on the ladders - family project at GG's house! He does all the other housecleaning. Moving furniture, ect. And he does all the heavy lifting/shlepping/hefting. He's good that way.

Yard work is something that we do together. I tend to take on more than I can really handle - it's good to have him right there.

Some years ago, my oldest son's wife broke her leg & had to be in the hospital for a few days. He told me: Mom, when she's not here - I don't know why - nothing gets done! (I think it was good for him to see what all she contributed that he didn't even realize!)

I'm off to the pool!

Shabbat Shalom!

[gazelle18]

DH and I both worked - hard! - during our parenting years, and I must say that DH always did his share plus some. We are both sort of control freaks, and don't work together as well as others might, so we have developed a system in which we are each in charge of our own tasks. So, for example, cooking and meal planning was 100 percent me, and physical things around the house that needed fixing were 100 percent DH? When one of us can't do our job and the other must step up, it gets a little dicey! But overall the system has worked well for us.

[Annette]

Good morning. DH always washes the dishes now that we only have one dishwasher. He works. I'm retired. But he prepares some of his own dinners like tuna and salmon croquettes.

[happysavta]

I'm off to Laughter class, outdoors in the park.

[louise]

My rabbi and his wife really have the sharing down. They are both rabbis and both have big jobs. They don't make one more important than the other. They have 3 girls in school. Both parents take care of children, cook clean, etc. It's a joy to see them.

Did meet with my trainer this morning. Cried through some of it - she's an old friend. We only had time for lower body but that was my biggest concern since my knee has been hurting again. Did everything but with less reps and less weight. What was important was to get started.

Obviously I'm still weepy. Don't really want to go to shul tomorrow but haven't been since before I went to FLA so I should certainly try - I have responsibilities at services that others have had to fill in for. Then again that's what community is about. My rabbi is away for the next few weeks - if he was going to be there it would be different.