Jewish Musins, Thursday, 9/8

[gazelle18]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? this week’s Torah reading? life goals? prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

[gazelle18]

Hello everyone,

I have not talked about this much before, but my 86 year old mother is facing some steep health challenges in the coming year. I am her local caretaker. I have a very supportive brother and sister in law, but they are out of town. My DH is very helpful, but I must face the fact that the major rssponsibility for her care will be on my shoulders.

I am full of conflict. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She is often difficult and critical, and it is often hard for me to be patient with her. I love my mother, despite all of this, and am determined to be a good daughter to her throughout the days (months, maybe years) that she has left. I am afraid I will fall short. I do not think of myself as a natural caretaker, and I worry that my jumbled feelings about my mother will get in the way.

I am praying for strength.

How do you face difficult challenges that you know are coming ? What has helped you?

Louise, I know this may be raw for you, so I will give you a pass to "opt out." I understand.

[peachymom1]

First, I have to give you some hugs and some hand pats. My mom is also difficult to deal with, though in different ways from yours, and it's very hard to spend long periods of time with her. I have three sisters, but I'm the only one who lives locally, so when she needs something or gets sick or has something go wrong or badly, I'm the logical choice.

When Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer over five years ago, I was her main sounding board, and I went with her to doctor appointments, tests, follow-ups, etc. I took her to the hospital the day of her surgery, stayed until after she was in recovery, and visited every day until she was released. Then I visited her at home and took her to more appointments.

Once she went into chemo, it got tougher. I couldn't go with her for her chemo treatments because to be totally honest, I couldn't stand to sit with her and endure her BS for that long at a time. Mom is a narcissist, a martyr, a liar of consummate skill, and she comes from a long family history of abuse, then abandonment from her first husband (my father), then as co-dependent to her alcoholic boyfriend, whom she didn't marry until I turned 18 (so she wouldn't lose the child support she got from my father). Mom has had a hard life, she made a lot of very bad choices and made a lot of bad mistakes with my sisters and me. She's had to face a lot of unpleasant consequences as a result, try as she might to stick her head in the sand.

I say all this so you can understand that it's really hard to spend a lot of time with Mom. I want to be a loving, attentive, dutiful daughter, and I truly do feel compassion for her. But I have had to remind myself until it finally got ingrained in my skull, that I cannot sacrifice my health, my sanity or my family for her. So I set limits on how much time I spend with her. I listen with love and care and don't contradict her, even when she's telling me a bald-faced lie. She is not ever going to heal from most of her lifelong hurts, she is not ever going to stop being racist, sexist and homophobic, and she is never going to turn honest and forthright. Sometimes she surprises me by saying or doing something thoughtful or kind, and this is a joy. But nearly always, it's a sacrifice to spend time with her.

So my advice, take it or leave it, is to decide for yourself what you can tolerate, and let someone else take up the slack. Even if your mom were a saint, you couldn't carry the load all by yourself. So don't wait until things are intolerable or overwhelming and you're ready to chew nails or banish her to Jupiter. Put yourself first and take good care of yourself.

My mom is doing better these days; she's been cancer-free for five years now. But her kidneys are not doing so well, and dialysis is probably in her future at some point. We'll deal with that when the time comes. She's 80 and still has all her marbles and can still drive. But I do have to put myself and my family first, and though it took me a while, I did get to where I don't feel guilty that I can't do it all for her. I hope you won't feel guilty or feel that you're not doing enough, because you have enough to worry about without adding guilt to the pile. We are finite human beings with limitations, and we can only do so much, no matter how noble or heart-felt our intentions. I think you're wonderful to be so caring and concerned for your mother. She's lucky to have you.

Keep us posted on how things are going. I'll be thinking about you.

[savtele]

Boker Tov All! Lynn, ((((((hugs)))))) & hand pats to you! As the primary caregiver to my mom - I do understand. She and I have a good relationship & I in no way resent the time & effort I spend getting her from A to Z - but sometimes it does get wearing. I will say, my siblings have stepped up to take much of the financial burden off me, since they know that I am doing almost all of the physical running with her. You do what you can do - and when you can't, there are agencies like Home Instead, who have drivers, care-cars, care-givers and companions who will do what you cannot. I will suggest a family meeting of sorts - can be done on-line, on-phone or in person - to suggest to the others that "this is what's happening, this is what I am able to do, this is where I will need your help!" DON'T BE SHY about asking for help! And NEVER feel guilty. If you don't speak up, they don't know what you need.

We all have our own families to take care of, with our own busy lives humming along. Weddings, births, new school years, new jobs - all weave their way into our day-to-day lives -and then bam! End-of-life issues loom large and demand a HUGE chunk of our time and energy - and must be attended to without an end date in sight. It all works best if our whole families are as involved as they are able/willing to be. And the rest can be confidently turned over to the professionals, who do this on a regular basis.

Do let us know how things progress. You are in my thoughts also!

[brgmsn]

I hear you Lynne. My mother and I also have a complicated relationship. Even though I'm the eldest of 3, I always felt, and still feel, unfavorably compared to my younger brother and sister in all ways. But I am local, so it's usually up to me when things happen. Despite visibly favoring my siblings, I am the one she calls when sick or injured. She lives 90 miles away, so it's local but not that close.
It is not natural for me to show feelings for her, as she never did for me. I am with her, support her, and do the best I can, but I know she prefers the others. Luckily, my brother is local with me and shares much of it.
I agree totally with Peachy. Do what you can, when you can, but try and distance yourself. I personally do not feel that I do things with love. I do them. I don't feel, personally, that it's necessary. If it is, it won't happen. So I do the best I can and it has to be enough. For both of us.
Big hugs to you

[lee058]

Hi everybody. Thinking about you Lynne and everybody dealing with challenges. I'll write something later if I can.

Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee

[hollygail]

I don't remember feeling like I had to do things for my mother in a loving way. I did what I did. My sister lived much closer to my mother (for the last ten years of my mother's life, I was living in Tucson, AZ; she was in Santa Monica after my father died and the San Fernando Valley before that; my sister has been living in Malibu for about 40+ years), so she got stuck with most of the "normal" stuff. There were times she called me to ask me to drive to my mother's when she (my sister) had to be out of town for this or that, and I always did. I never resented it or anything. I just didn't volunteer much. And I'm just as sure that my sister didn't do "with love" for my mother either, Beryl. DM died at age 86 (had she lived another couple of months, she'd have seen 87), almost ten years after DF died (just over two plus after his 79th birthday). (DM's yahrzeit is tomorrow. I'm fine. We always have a minyan on Fridays, not always on other days of the week.))

[louise]

A lot of really good advice here! I am so lucky that my mother, who is about to turn 92, is doing very well - she still lives on her own, drives even. When I hear stories from friends about serious end of life issues concerning their parents it's heartbreaking and I wonder what I would do. I'm in NJ and mom is in FLA but I know I'm the one that would have to come through.

I think the advice about making boundaries and asking for help are critical. If you would like to share something about the upcoming challenges we may be able to chime in with more specific ideas.

If you would give me a pass because of my ex (I can't use DXH because the D comes up differently to me now) I will tell you some things. In the thick of things (during surgeries, etc.) I could get into trouble with food. Would stop all along the way to pick up candy bars or whatever on my way to and from the hospital. I learned to recognize this and was prepared with healthy things to eat in my tote bag - "tricks" we know - sometimes it worked better than others - remind yourself of who you are and what you need. When things became difficult spiritually/emotionally I would talk to my rabbi. Sometimes things were too grim to want to spell out to a friend. Sometimes I came to verbalize something with him for the first time and could subsequently say it to friends (like when I felt hope turning to mourning). Sometimes I wanted to understand the halachic ramifications or talk about what am I really praying for with this misheberach. Sometimes I was just so upset that God seemed to be giving him so little.

My mother always used to tell me you need different friends for different things. Different people in your life will be able to help you in different ways. "Using" people always has a bad connotation but your friends would want you to use them however you need them.

Then there's this other part - when you are faced with something difficult you just do it. You are coming from a good place. Trust that you will do and be "enough".