Jewish Musings, Wednesday, September 14, 2016

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind – how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Beryl
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

[peachymom1]

Good morning! For those of you with children, did you have them because you wanted to or because you were expected to (if you feel like sharing that information)? What surprised you most about parenthood? What issues did you face that your own parents didn’t? Would you have had more children / fewer children, if you could have? What factors determined how many children you had? If you don’t have children, do you think you would have been a good parent? What would you have done
differently from the way you grew up yourself? Who was/were your best role model(s), whether you have kids or not?

Until my early 20s, I didn’t want to have children because my parents weren’t good examples, and I was afraid I would be as bad at it as they were. When I got into counseling and learned how to nurture myself, I decided I did want to be a mother one day. DH and I decided we would wait until I was 30, so we could save and plan and hopefully be ready.

But I got pregnant unexpectedly during the year I was teaching in the inner city. We didn’t have much money and lived in a small apartment. The logical choice was to give it up, but I remembered something my best friend from junior high and high school had said, that she could never give up a child she had created out of love. I loved that baby from the moment I knew she existed. DH and I stayed up all night discussing options, and decided we would work it all out somehow, and have the baby.

It made no sense to anyone but us, but we wanted to have more than one child, and we wanted to have them close together so I could go back to work sooner after being a SAHM for a few years, so two years later we tried again, and got twins this time. Nearly everyone in our families thought we were nuts. But they were only looking through a financial lens. In retrospect, yes, we were poor, but we were resourceful with what we had, and we learned quickly that when all you have is each other, you find out how strong your marriage is. We had some very tough times, but we made it through, and we’ve never been sorry.

Two surprising things stand out about having children. For one thing, I had no idea how much fun kids were until I had some. It’s so great to play with them, watch them taste and see things for the first time, and to just share their wondrous joy in discovering the world. The other surprise was that I had no idea of my own capacity for love. It still amazes me.

How about you?

[hollygail]

I wanted two; DH#1 wanted none. We compromised on one. Lost the first pregnancy (ectopic); got pregnant the first month we went back to birth control (tell every young woman you know that spermicidal foam is nowhere near 100% effective). Wanted, even though it wasn’t supposed to be that particular month…

I loved when he was a baby; didn’t mind when he was growing up. Wasn’t so fond of my teenage son though; sent him off to live with his father when he hit 14… (You didn’t ask, but we’re incredibly close now.)

One issue I faced that my parents didn’t was divorcing his father. We split when DS was 2 and I spent some years as a single mother. I dated, had boyfriends, etc., but I was the sole parent for a good deal of the time (DH#1 moved to Vancouver, so there was no question regarding weekends or one day during the week, or half the week at one house and half at the other parent’s house).

No, one turned out to be the perfect number of children for me. DH#1 never had another either. (DH#1 was diagnosed with cancer in 2006; passed in 2009.)

[savtele]

Boker Tov All! I was surprised by all 3 of my pregnancies - was on the pill the 1st time, IUD the 2nd, a different pill the 3rd time. Had a tubal ligation after my 3rd baby - and finally could relax. No more babies.

That being said - I loved all 3 of them when they were babies, and enjoyed their growing up! With 3 so close together (there are 18 months between all of them - April, October, April) We did some things that made other people look at us "funny" - I remember camping, with a toddler tied to a tree. (I had one of those little harnesses) He could get into the tent, but not the fire or the river. I had no problem with that!

This is just a quick "post & run" - I have an early appointment today, and several more (even earlier) tomorrow. I may make it back here today, but tomorrow I'll be MIA all day - they'll be taking pics of my eyes (fundus) - so they will be extremely dilated & I won't see a thing.

Have a good day ladies - I'll see you on Friday (when I'll have a lot of catch-up reading to do!)

[gazelle18]

I had two children. I remember thinking that I was afraid I would not be a natural at mothering. I think I did well, after all. I was certainly less critical of my kids than my mother was of me. I think that what surprised me most about parenting is that kids can be HARD. They have their very real issues, beyond physical care and feeding. The other thing that surprised me was that parenting didn't end at adulthood. My kids are 33 and 35 and I still feel like I have to "parent." But truly, I now need to learn how to step back and let them be who they are, which is perhaps the hardest parenting lesson of all!

[brgmsn]

I had 3 in 4 years, the last 2 surprises. I barely remember the early years. They're truly a blur. I worked 3-11 and 11-7 so we could avoid as much child care as possible, so there was not a lot of sleep going on. Before I left for work at 3 I made dinner and set the table and dish wash...you get the idea.
Teens were hard. Not out of control hard, but hard enough. DD2 has ADHD and back then it wasn't known as well as now, was called "minimal brain dysfunction", and we were really finding out way. DH and I had little money, and we fought a lot about it.
We got through it. DH and I now have a great relationship (usually), and we enjoy doing things together.
I am shocked by how wonderful our children have turned out, what good people they are, what capacity for caring and loving and sharing they have, and how darn much fun we have when we're all together. We truly enjoy each other's company.
For me, that's the best thing.

[lee058]

Hi everybody. Re today's questions: I have one DS age 23. As I've mentioned, he has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes many things challenges. I don't know how we got through the school years as they were horrible. I'm glad those days are over (unless of course he decides to go back to college). DS is a terrific person most of the time.

I wanted more kids but I had a miscarriage when DS was 5, and then H didn't want to try again.

Anyway, I survived.

Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee