Intuitive Eating/HAES

[Curious3D]

Morning everyone! I'm not sure how we'll handle this in the future, if we'll discuss a specific topic or just have open discussion, but I thought this was the best way to start.


I would like this week's thread to be open - so we can all sort of figure out where we are and share our thoughts about what we've learned, read, and done this week on our way to intuitive eating.  Also please feel free to share your history with dieting, your reasons for wanting to learn to get in touch with your body's real needs for food, exercise, and the pleasure both can bring. Write a little, write a lot, jump in and share!

____________________________

Week 1 with Dr. A., we talked about societal pressures to be "thin", we talked about the endless conflicting messages we're faced with every day about the pleasure of food and the necessity to control and restrict ourselves. We're trained from a very young age to NOT listen to our bodies, whether it's the "clean your plate" instruction or other external influences. Most of us have been listening to ANYONE else rather than our own instincts for a very long time. Setting all those messages and rules aside is a scary proposition. The more I think about my own history, the more I see how true this is: I have spent years blaming myself for failed diets, when the truth is, our bodies are designed to rebel against restriction, both mentally and physically. Every diet made me fatter eventually, whether it was out of a book, from a pill, from fasting, from an online program.  None of them were effective or sustainable. I know this, because I'm not still doing any of them now.

Week 2 (this past Monday), Dr. A. introduced the idea of "unrestricted eating".  Whatever, whenever, however much I want. Period. Zero restrictions. For now, no focus on nutrition, outside of necessary medical considerations. Also no diet behavior.  No portions, no tracking, no counting. I have to tell you all this freaked me right out. Its' counter to everything I have believed since I was 8 years old. She went on to explain that is a check and balance, which is that as I'm eating unrestrictedly, I must do so mindfully.  Not critically, but mindfully.  I need to think about the feelings behind the desire to eat. What it feels like to eat what I want when I want. I had to eat slowly and savor what I chose to have. That's it.  Eat the food, be aware of the experience, be mindful of the process. Food is not "good" or "bad".  It's just food, and I can have any or all of it that I want. 

It was an interesting week.  I ate to the point of discomfort twice. I had dark chocolate salted caramels for lunch on Tuesday. A lot of them. Made notes about how that made me feel.

SPOILER: Click to show

Not great. It was fun and very liberating, but my stomach didn't love it. Still, I recommend the experience.

Unrestricted eating.  Yikes, right??  You THINK you'll just go off the rails and eat your way through the bakery section, and the thing is, you CAN. Go for it. What I noticed is that if you're mindful and you listen, and most importantly you ignore the diet impulse to restrict and shame, you'll feel your body suggesting otherwise.  It's really in there. I didn't always respond to it, but it was there, real quiet, somewhere between my belly button and my chest. I felt feelings.

Three times I was literally unable to keep myself from adding up my day's calories. I was saying to myself "stop! stop! this doesn't matter!" and all the while going "150....275...600...". Eventually I just said to myself "fine. Add it up."  And I did, and then I realized how futile that was. It just doesn't matter.  Not now, and certainly not when I'm actually eating intuitively. Short version is, it's been challenging to leave old habits behind, and I expect it will take me a while longer.

Plus I haven't had to confront a situation yet where I eat for emotional reasons.  I know it will be challenging to remain mindful during those times, and i don't yet have the tools to cope otherwise. But I'll get there. None of us can go from zero to being completely intuitive right away.

[alfa]

Just marking my spot. I need to spend some time reflecting on all this before I'm ready to share.

[rhubarbarian]

I am going to follow your discussion, but mostly lurk. I'm not sure where I want to be right now.

I do know that whenever anyone has ever tried to suggest I change my eating habits, it's only made me defiantly want to eat even more. I used to think that was only an external thing, but I've recently realized I feel the same when I put myself on a calorie restriction.

[drunkyparrot]

Oct 14, 2016 9:42:28 GMT -5 rhubarbarian said:

I do know that whenever anyone has ever tried to suggest I change my eating habits, it's only made me defiantly want to eat even more. I used to think that was only an external thing, but I've recently realized I feel the same when I put myself on a calorie restriction.

I think this is inherent in all of us. I do well for a short time, but then get angry that I have to do that.

C3D, thank you for your first post. I need to do some reading this weekend and figure out where I'm at.

[suzieq52083]

Thanks for sharing your experiences CD.

I think i'll start with how I got to the place of being open to IE - my 'bottom' with my food issues.

I was always given the impression that I was fat or heavy as a child. My mother had difficulty finding clothes that fit me. I was too big for children's clothes from a very young age. I can go back now and see that I wasn't fat. But, that was the societal message I was getting from about age 7 onward. I started sneak eating probably from the earliest age I could get away with it. My parents had separate food for my very thin brother and myself. I would sneak his snacks or full sugar pepsi (I was supposed to drink the diet pepsi). I was probably 'overweight' but not fat until the 7th grade. In the 7th grade I asked my mother if I could join her on her diet of the moment. It was a program through a center. It was pretty restrictive and required me to track my food. I did really well for a while and lost a ton of weight. Of course I was praised for losing weight and felt amazing. But, I couldn't handle it and eventually went off the rails. I think I probably starting binging at this point. I never purged, but I would plan out binges with incredibly detail. I had a friend who had a similar relationship with food and we would go off on this crazy weekend food binges. My weight steadily began to creep up at this point. I couldn't wear juniors clothes. I was wearing men's jeans and ugly t-shirts because that is what fit. I remember being so excited when I found out men's gap jeans fit me!! I could buy clothes in a store! Ugh. I went up to a size 16/18 while in high school. While I now consider a size 16 entirely normal, it was ENOURMOUS for a 17 year old girl at that time.

I went off to college and for the first time ever my parents were not watching what I ate. I was also incredibly lonely. I used food (and alcohol) to cope with my feelings. I gained close to 50lbs my freshman year. I didn't fit into any of my clothes. My parents called me fat (to my face). It was horrible. I eventually settled into life at that weight though. I would workout periodically, but never stuck with any diet program for very long. I remembered all the stuff I learned from that diet in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do it. Finally, my senior year of a college a girlfriend asked if I wanted to join weight watchers with her. I later found out that she 'did it for me' because she was worried about me.

I went to weight watchers sometime in the winter of 2005. It worked really well for me. I lost weight quickly. I lost probably 30lbs in 4 months. I graduated and fell off the diet wagon. I maintained for about a year, but then started to creep up. I went back on weight watchers and lost another 30lbs. I maintained that for about 6 months. I went back again for a third time and got to goal. I had lost 110lbs. But, I was actively abusing alcohol and working out insane amounts. I was 'drunkorexic' before it was a thing.

I stopped following weight watchers at some point in the year or so after making goal. I gained about 10-15lbs immediately. I HATED MYSELF for gaining that 10-15lbs. I was obsessed with my belly fat. I would cry about the clothes my mom bought me when I was that skinny that I could no longer wear. I eventually quit drinking. But, that made my issues with food even bigger. If I didn't have the alcohol to help me deal with my feelings, I returned to my first true love, food. I gained another 10ish lbs. At this point, I turned to exercise. I started running and training for triathlons. I went back on WW at one point and was training for a triathlon. I was training for a triathlon while eating 1200 calories a day. I would feel dizzy and weak when I was training, but would be ecstatic about the results on the scale the next day. I got down really close to my goal weight again. I was really skinny.

But then, the rails came off the bus, I got hurt from over exercising. I couldn't run anymore. But, instead of just starting some other form of exercise, I fell into this deep depression. I could not control my eating anymore. I would try to get back onto WW, but then end up with my face in piece of cake. I could not handle the obsessing about every thing I put in my body any longer. I was just exhausted. I had a friend following IE and she recommended I read a book about it. I was hesitant, but after her recommending it numerous times, I eventually started reading it. I also got a therapist at the same time. I think it was the grace of god, but that therapist just happened to specialize in IE and body image issues. She recommended a nutritionist. It was the SAME NUTRITIONIST that my friend had recommended. The Nutritionist was an IE specialist.

I don't know why I was ready at that point. But, the combination of the book, the therapist, and the nutritionist, made it clear to me that I was supposed to start my journey into IE.

[ringydingy6]

Curious, thanks for starting, and thanks to everyone for your sharing.

I am just starting the IE book and as Curious said, the notion of not tracking what I'm eating scares me to death! I have deeper issues I have been working on with a wonderful therapist, which mostly come down to my not trusting myself or listening to my inner voice. A side note is I do not listen to what my physical body needs, and I"m working on it. I am only lately realizing that this is a huge part of my lifelong body/dieting struggles. IE falls perfectly in line with the work I have been doing with my counselor to learn to listen, trust, and respond. I see my counselor next week and can't wait to tell her about this and get her input.

I am struck by how WW was a natural fit for someone like me that lived feeling like "My body is broken, it only wants bad food." WW taught me that I could not trust myself, because trusting myself got me fat. Well, dieting in general set off a whole series of failures/successes and living by what the scale says as a meter for my happiness. I am a bit in awe that there's another way! Even if the scale does go up, this is so worthwhile. I will be doing a lot of reading this weekend.

Sidenote: I wanted to pass along a couple of resources that have been helpful to me in my current work on trusting my body.
1) A program called Curvy Yoga run by Anna Guest-Jelly. It is a wonderful resource for body positivity and learning to give your body what it needs. She also has a great podcast that often covers how to begin to listen and trust your body's signals. Anna is absolutely fantastic and I love her work to pieces.

2) There is a podcast called Dietitians Unplugged that talk regularly about HAES/IE, fat-shaming, etc. I happened upon them quite accidentally when I was wanting to listen to the TAL episode called "Tell Me I'm Fat," which was the second time I had heard about HAES. (ETA: The first time I heard about it was on the old GDT!)

[quinn915]

My books should arrive next week. Thanks for starting this thread, 3D. And thank you to those sharing your stories. Like Alfa, I want to read and reflect a bit before sharing any comments. It all sounds very interesting though...

[PamInPGH (virtualweightloser)]

Oct 14, 2016 9:23:34 GMT -5 Curious3D said:

She went on to explain that is a check and balance, which is that as I'm eating unrestrictedly, I must do so mindfully.  Not critically, but mindfully.  I need to think about the feelings behind the desire to eat. What it feels like to eat what I want when I want. I had to eat slowly and savor what I chose to have. That's it.  Eat the food, be aware of the experience, be mindful of the process. Food is not "good" or "bad".  It's just food, and I can have any or all of it that I want. 

I'm having a crazy day at work and probably won't have time to post much today, but I have read IE and started HAES. Liked them both and for the past few weeks have been eating what I want, when I want, etc. It's scary but fun at the same time. And liberating. But I need to find a way to believe this won't last much longer. What you said above curious is what I think will help me focus a little better this week.

[texasless91]

Oct 14, 2016 9:42:28 GMT -5 rhubarbarian said:

I am going to follow your discussion, but mostly lurk. I'm not sure where I want to be right now.

I do know that whenever anyone has ever tried to suggest I change my eating habits, it's only made me defiantly want to eat even more. I used to think that was only an external thing, but I've recently realized I feel the same when I put myself on a calorie restriction.

Rhu, in IE, they call that the Diet Rebel. There is some good information on positive self talk to turn it around to a more positive voice. It's really common and I think most of us are there at some point in our diet lives.

[Deleted]

Thank you for starting this - it comes at a good time for me. 

I reached my WW goal weight in 2000, and tracked and maintained for 12 years, but all I ever thought about was weight and food. It was exhausting.
About 4 years ago, as I was about to track my food for the day, I realized I couldn't. Not one more time. I never ordered what I really wanted in restaurants, ate things I didn't particularly care for at home (NO MORE BABY CARROTS EVER!) I was done.

In the first six months I gained ten pounds, while eating mostly what I wanted, and mostly I am ok with it. But lately, the "get back to tracking, you have let yourself go" has been creeping back into my brain, and I don't want to go down that road again. I want to be all the way ok with it. Does that make sense? 

I am reading the IE book.

[Connie122516]

Just marking my spot. I haven't received the books yet. Will be reading the threads and contemplating.

[lukeandbelle]

Thank you for starting this thread and to everyone who has shared.

I started WW in January 2009 when my DD was nearly 2 with about 30 pounds of baby weight plus 10 pounds of pre-baby weight to lose. I loved WW and reached goal by June 1st of the same year and have stayed within 5-7 pounds of goal ever since. What brought me here is that a little over a week ago my 9-yo DD asked me when she could start weighing her food. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

If you had asked me the day before I would have told you that I was actively trying to set a good example for my DD by eating healthfully most of the time and enjoying treats occasionally. I exercise regularly and have always said that I do so because it makes me feel good. But, I have weighed my food and have tracked every meal and snack for most of her life and she was watching.

I stopped tracking the next day and have not tracked since. I ordered the IE book and started reading it last night. I don't know where this is going to take me but I would like to be like my DD. We were eating ice cream 2 nights ago and she set her bowl in the sink with about a half a scoop left in it. She told me that she had had enough and was sorry that she didn't finish it. I told her that was fine and not a thing to be sorry about. I want to be able to do that. The only time I have ever stopped myself from eating something is because I was out of points or calories and sometimes not even then. I want to be able to stop because my body has had enough.

[chemistwendy]

Hi, my IE book should arrive Sunday.

My history...
I've always been very athletically built, and enjoyed sports, but even at a young age I was criticized on my size and the women in my family were always on WW at some point in the season. I still have "stir fry" nightmares.

I'd say I was a normal weight until the end of my undergrad, when I stopped playing college sports. I put on about 30 lbs between Jan 2002 and Feb 2003.. then did my first stint with WW. Lost 20 lbs, in a very disordered way... I fell into a pattern of eating whatever I wanted to from WI day (friday) until Monday, then I'd restrict to see a loss at the scale the following friday. By June I'd stopped, and in July moved for graduate school. My first year of school I crept back up to 50 lbs overweight, lost it in 3 months doing the southbeach diet and started running. I maintained that loss for about a year and a half, until I trained for my first marathon. My relationship with food was fucked to put it mildly and I gained 25 lbs training. I lost that weight on another stint of WW (around 2006) and slowly put 50 ls on. I dabbled with other diets and went up and down 20 lbs, then came back to WW in 2011.

It was different in 2011, I honestly didn't approach it as a restriction type thing but as a tool because I couldn't self regulate. After about 6 months on the program I hit my goal weight and stayed with it. I started a group on the newbies board with Judy about Maintenance. And I felt like I was doing alright. I got very involved in running, within 2 years of hitting goal I'd run my first marathon. I was ecstatic to have not gained weight while training like the last time. I actually thought things were going well, and then I started to notice a lot of disorder around me. And it really started to fuck with my head. I felt like a weirdo because I couldn't get worked up over a 2 lb swing at the scale... and then, I did find myself worked up over it.

I bought a house in Summer of 2014, and with it put on a few extra lbs. A few months later I started going to therapy for my anxiety. Eventually, it came out that the 10-15 lbs that I gained recently were causing a lot of anxiety for me. My therapist said "that should be easy to fix, just do the 17 day diet, it'll come off in no time!" This was a huge red flag for me. I've been involved with running long enough to know I do have a minimum weight where I feel good, and that restricting while training is a recipe for disaster... so, it wasn't long before I broke up with my therapist.

In fall of 2015 something clicked and I wanted to try to lose weight again, but I wanted nothing to do with Smart Points. I tried a program called Rise, where you photo log your food with a nutritionist. No measuring. It gave me the confidence to know that my world won't come crashing down if I stop tracking. Eventually, the extra weight came off and around March I was back to my normal.

Through this, I've really learned how to listen to my body physically with training. I think I'm very much in tune with it. I would like to get that way with my hunger and satisfaction so the intuitive eating is appealing to me.

In terms of HAES, I have a great amount of body acceptance. I'm grateful for what it can do, and when I start to pick it apart, I remind myself of all that I can do and that usually shuts the critical voice up.

Sorry for the blommit.

[texasless91]

Curious, thank you for getting this thread started and for sharing your sessions with us. I think this is going to be a valuable tool for me in my seemingly never-ending quest to get where I want to be.

Suzie, I appreciate your sharing your journey. We have a lot of overlap, so this gives me hope that I can get to where you are some day.

Ringy, thanks for sharing the resources you mentioned I especially want to check out the podcast
.
Thank you to the others who have shared their stories. Knowledge truly is power and we can learn from each other.

I was also raised in one of those "clean plate club" households and the rule was that you sat at the table until every bite was gone, even if that meant it was bedtime when you finally finished. It didn't take me long to figure out that I wanted to do other things with my evenings and that some foods taste absolutely horrible at room temperature. So I was often first to finish, even the "no thank you" helpings of foods I hated. I was considered "chunky" as a child but played a lot of sports so it could have been worse.

When I got to college, I put on the "Freshman 15" and kept going. A lot of the reason was the limited selections in the dorm cafeteria plus the cafeteria not being open on weekends, which meant I had to pretty much fend for myself by eating processed foods that required little or no cooking. After I graduated, things got a little better and I lost about 30 lbs. Then I moved out on my own. By this time, I was licensed as a paramedic and that can be an extremely chaotic life with meals on the fly. It was not unusual to be paged out of dinner (sometimes 2 or 3 times in the same shift) or hitting the hospital cafeteria at 2 am because you haven't eaten anything since lunch and, as a result, I tended to overeat when I did have a chance to eat, quickly piling on 70 lbs. I finally lost them within a couple of years, thanks to WW, but my weight continued to yo-yo for years. In the early 2000's, I discovered triathlon and felt it could be a vehicle to spur weight loss. Carrying all that extra weight made at least biking and running more difficult and I have the knee and ankle pains to this day. It would have probably helped me shed weight had I not just about simultaneously discovered the wonders of Dove Dark Promises, which I would binge eat just about every day. It was not unusual for me to consume 2 to 3 bags in a work week. I would go to Target or Walmart and vow to stay out of the candy aisle only to find myself exiting the checkout with a sack full of 11 oz bags of my nemesis. Eventually I began to suffer increasingly severe acid reflux which was a result of the damage done to my esophageal sphincter by a chemical in the dark chocolate. I became very ill from the reflux and was unable to eat normally and eventually required surgery. I hate that I had to damage my health in order to overcome my addiction. The combination of the inability to eat normally and the recovery from surgery did help me lost 40 lbs but it was a long and difficult road. I eventually was able to return to competing in triathlons and did manage to lose almost 10 additional lbs. But in 2012, I developed some chronic injuries that required me to quit running. I am still able to swim, bike, and walk, so I still do manage to get a fair amount of exercise. My weight, however, has been a struggle and I have added 14 lbs since I quit triathlon and cannot seem to find a way to lose the now 28 lbs I want to lose to get where I want to be. Someone on another thread mentioned IE and it sounded intriguing. In the book, the authors advocate adding your forbidden foods back to the acceptable list. Due to my history of severe reflux, I have several foods that I cannot eat for medical reasons. But I have already started adding back some of the things that were on that list and it is exhilirating to say the least. I am about halfway through the book and now understand how I lost control of food at a very early age and the implications that it has for me all these years later. I am really looking forward to gaining trust in myself that will translate to success for the rest of my life.

[Deleted]

Thanks for start us up and also can relate to a couple of these stories.

I started HAES and then switched over to IE. So much of it just seems 'to make sense' to me, if that makes any sense?

I was thin through out childhood. I gained a freshman 15 but was still healthy weight. I knew what I weighed when I graduated HS and then the year after my first year of college due to doctor visits. I never had a scale or cared much.

I was in healthy weight range until after DD. Then it seemed I gained about five or ten pounds a year until I was almost up to 200.

I hate to admit this but I never knew much about nutrition or portion sizes etc. Never exercised much at all except for a few spurts of walking consistently a few years here and there.

When I almost hit 200, I started WW for the first time and learned about restricting what we ate. It was eye opening because I saw how much I was truly eating. It was weight creep for sure. Just a bit more and more without thought, etc.

I started and stopped WW three times before I lost 50 pounds to hit at the top my goal range which was in Jan '04. Since then, I have struggled. I gain ten to fifteen, then lose it, then gain, then lose.

Right now I am up a little bit but this time is different. Now I 'diet' for a week then eat like I have will never have food again for a few days. I always think, I'll just eat everything I want (more of a binge) and start again tomorrow.

The last couple of days I have been paying attention to when I am eating and what and how much, if I am hungry or full, etc. I was able to buy chocolate covered peanuts from the Mountain Man at work. I ate a couple, then put them away knowing I could have some later or the next day. I didn't eat them all thinking I need to start over my diet the next day so polish it off. I have all or nothing days.

I am all in on working through the book and can't wait to get further into it.

[chalkitup]

Oh my, my history with dieting. I feel like that's basically the history of my life.

I guess I was always a little pudgy as a kid. I remember thinking that I was too fat from the time I was about 8 or so. My grandma always had fresh cookies at her house and she lived next door. I'd go over to get one and sometimes she'd make comments about my 'chub.' As I got older my grandpa would say mean things about my weight. He'd poke my stomach and tell me that no one would ever marry me if I was fat. He'd comment that it look like I'd gained weight. He was just mean. No one ever really defended me, people, including me, just laughed it off.

But, I know that it mattered. For most of my life, I've been single. I've always, always assumed I was too fat to be worth dating. So, I didn't even really try. Anytime I'd start dating someone, I'd assume he was thinking about how fat I was and break it off. If I had a crush, I'd talk myself out of pursuing it because I was too fat. I didn't want to try new things because I was too fat. The list goes on.

The thing is, I'm about 5' 4" and have weighed between 160 and 185 since high school. So, while I'm not thin, I'm not nearly as "fat" as I imagined myself to be. In fact, I might be right in my "setpoint" for my weight.

I've done a lot of work on myself through journaling, talking, prayer, reading, etc. to realize that my weight is not the answer to all my problems or the cause of my problems. I've done a lot of work in accepting myself and learning what I want. But, there's still a desire to be thinner. That feeling of, "If I only lost x pounds." I want to lose that mentality. I don't want to be playing mind games with myself and my food choices. I don't want to be exercising just because it give me extra calories. I want to exercise because I feel better, sleep better, and my anxiety is reduces when I exercise and eat real food.

I know that to fully get where I want to be in accepting myself, I may need to do some counseling. I'm open to that. I'm ready to stop trying to base my worth on how much I weigh or how I look in the mirror. I know that I'm much more than that.

[patz]

I met with my therapist today. She is a huge proponent of IE and also suggested the book "Mindful Eating." She said it's kind of a Buddhist approach to the same principles.

I'm super tired and do not have the energy to tell my whole story but the abridged version is I have been failing at weight loss my entire adult life and I am so over it. I want to stop the madness. I just cracked open the book when I remembered this thread was starting today so wanted to read it first.

Thanks for starting this, C3D.

[lunabear]

Thanks for starting this for us!

I'm reading IE with great interest. I was struck by the idea that we are born knowing how to eat. When I was young, I was a very light eater and I was very thin. Eating wasn't very important to me. Because I was underweight my family started to force me to eat more. Once when I was only maybe seven, my stepfather made me sit alone in a restaurant with a plate of spaghetti in front of me while the rest of the family went out to the car. I was supposed to eat that before I could leave. I don't think I did finish it but I sure remember being scared and humiliated. Anyway, long story shorter, no wonder my natural instinct to stop eating when my belly tells me to is fractured. There's more to the evil stepfather story but maybe later.

[SharkPhin]

Hello, folks!

Here's my story. I was never really overweight as a child, but I always thought I was. My brothers would tease me about being fat and stupid (gee, wonder why we have no relationship as adults), and they picked on me so much about being fat that I believed I was. It didn't help that I was always the heaviest kid in class back in the day where we did the annual weigh-in in gym class with the teacher shouting out our weight for all to hear. Of course, I was also the tallest kid in class, but I was starting from an already distorted perspective, so I grew up believing I was abnormal. After rocketing through puberty at 11-12, I did start to add on a few pounds and that really freaked me out. My first year in high school, I determined that I was going to do whatever it took to be "normal" and I starved off 20 pounds in a month. Well, funny thing, then I had to keep starving myself to maintain it. So I did. All through high school, I maintained my weight by eating as little as possible. I was never formally diagnosed with anything, but I believe I was also suffering through some pretty major anxiety and depression during those years and I coped partially by starving my body. I had pale white skin and would practically bruise if anyone looked at me funny. Very healthy (said in my best sarcasm font). I still thought I was fat because I was heavier than my friends with much slighter builds.

In college, I overcame a lot of the anxiety and depression issues and started eating more normally again. By Thanksgiving, I was up 45 pounds from my high school "normal" and by the end of the semester I was up another 10. I gain another 15 or so the following year, then stabilized there. At 225. And that became my new normal. After graduation, I would occasionally try and diet, but I always felt hopeless and weak, and would go off after losing a few pounds. My weight would then go back up to 225 and stabilize.

When I was in law school, I got filled with the fear of not getting a job because I was too fat, so I decided to give WW another try. By then, I'd also started exercising regularly and, even though I wasn't losing weight, I was definitely getting healthier. This time, I kept at it for a year and lost 60 pounds. But after a year, I was tired of always restricting myself and one weekend I said "what the hell" while I was away for a school event. I never really stuck with a diet again after that. I maintained for a while, but then stopped exercising during another stressful time in my life and then started to regain. Since then I've more of less been stable at about 20 pounds over my low. I will occasionally manage to stick to something for a couple of months and lose 10 or 15 pounds, but then I get tired of the restriction and I gain back up to that point. I've come to believe that the 180s are my new "set weight". That's where I always end up if I stop dieting, but don't just let myself go completely crazy.

The reason why HAES/IE are appealing to me right now is because I just can't stop thinking about the issue and feeling like I "should" be doing more because I "could" weigh less. I haven't put my life on hold by any means, but it's like an ever present thought that keeps me from truly feeling happy in my own body. I'm done. Over it. Time to move on. I've been thinking about my weight since I was conscious of it as a concept and I want to stop caring so much about what I look like to other people.

Now, the mental block with the approach. That little worm of anxiety of "oh my god, though, what if you balloon back up to 225 because you stop giving a shit?" That's my other issue to work through. Because, listen, my body is amazing. It has done a lot for me and it can do a lot. I owe it some respect. It deserves to be healthy. But I think I deserve to be finally happy with it for once in my life, too.

[SharkPhin]

I apparently took you up on that "write a lot" thing.

[SharkPhin]

Oct 14, 2016 23:19:47 GMT -5 patz said:

She is a huge proponent of IE and also suggested the book "Mindful Eating."

There is a book on mindful eating that was co-authored by Thich Nhat Hanh that I really liked, too. I don't think I made it all the way through, but it talks a lot about honoring the body by mindfully choosing and consuming foods. The main title is "Savor" if you're interested.

[ButUm]

Thanks for starting this thread. I can relate so much to what others have said.

I also ate mindfully as a child, if I was no longer hungry I just stopped eating and ate very small amounts to begin with. My family would mock me for "eating like a bird" and at the beginning of a meal my mom would say "eat fast before it's all gone." This made me anxious and I wanted to fit in, so I would fill up my plate and, of course, was then required to clean my plate before I could leave the table. This led to a constant fear about not having "enough" food, money, love, whatever.

I started WW at age 24 because my roommate was going to join the program. I thought it was great, at first. I lost 40 pounds in 6 months, but didn't realize how crazed I had become. I was working out all the time, eating only Lean Cuisine type meals (can't even stand the sight of them now), and avoiding hanging out with friends so I could avoid calories from dinner or drinking. But the compliments were very addicting.

I was off and on the WW roller coaster for 10+ years until I just couldn't take it anymore. Suzie mentioned IE on the old WW board awhile ago, and I started reading the book. Thanks Suzie, this has really changed my life! I hid my scale, and eventually threw it away. I took out all my WW books, sliders and food journals (why did I think I needed to know what I ate for breakfast 10 years ago?) and threw them in the trash. That was a very hard thing to do, it really felt like letting go of the fantasy. You know, when I lose weight I will feel better, people will like me, everything will be so fantastic, etc.

After years of dieting it was very hard to let go of the fear of gaining weight, but from everything I have read it seems like this is a key to IE. You have to put the weight concerns to the side while you focus on relearning how to listen to your body. I have been doing IE for over 2 years, and I did gain weight at first as I experimented with eating the foods I really wanted. But it wasn't long before my weight stabilized, and I notice now that I am slowly losing weight without restricting at all. But it's not about the weight anymore, the freedom I have now is amazing.

I just spent 10 days in Italy, which would have been an anxiety nightmare when I was dieting. Following IE, I ordered exactly what I wanted from the menu, really enjoyed the taste and texture of the food and wine while I ate, and stopped when I was satisfied. I can't believe how much time before, after and during vacations in the past I spent worrying about food. IE/HAES is such a relief. I still have a lot of work to do, and IE is a constant process, but I hope everyone here at least gives it a try. My life is so much better now that I'm not thinking about food all the time.

[u21queen]

I relate to something in everyone's story. I just started reading IE today at the recommendation of Texasless. I have been floundering once again in relation to food and I need something different. I think about food all day long. What can I eat? When can I eat? After eating I think: I ate too much. I ate just enough. Do I have enough points for dessert? It is this constant voice in my head.

I have to go to a restaurant website and decide in advance what I am having and calculate the points and I don't deviate, even if it is not what I want when I get there. That is when I am following the "plan." The other side of the coin is ordering what I want and eating beyond full because it tastes so good.

The yo yo of weight loss and weight gain has been a constant battle since I was 12 and the school nurse told my parents I needed to lose weight. I put myself on a calorie restricted diet and so a lifetime of weight ups and downs began. I want to get off the roller coaster.

One phrase in the first chapter seemed to leap out at me; "weary of dieting and terrified of eating." That about sums it up for me. I look forward to delving deeper.

[ringydingy6]

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories.

Mine is like so many others here. I was a chubby kid, and my grandmother was the one constantly talking to me about it. "No man will ever want to marry you." "I would rather have you hate me than have you be fat." "It's shameful to our family." As a teen, I thought I was huge at 5'7" and 150 pounds, and compared to my friends, I was bigger. I think much of my grandmother's messages stuck with me, and I finally "got a man to marry me," and he was a complete loser and I even knew it then. I see now that my grandmother was really projecting her own feelings of self-worth, but what a totally shitty thing to saddle a kid with.

I was at my adult all-time low weight when I met my ex -- 128 pounds -- and still thought I was hideously fat. My ex constantly made comments about my fat thighs, and "do you really need that dessert?" kinds of comments when we'd eat out. I got pregnant, and ended up post-pregnancy at around 190 pounds. When I first started WW I was 202 pounds. I lost 60 pounds in a year, and thought I had conquered my problems. But some sort of rebel mentally crept in. I think I was also depressed, and my ex was using drugs -- and said he was so embarrassed by my fat appearance that he took drugs to cope. I took complete responsibility for his drug use (maybe grandma was right!! -- she wasn't) and later the responsibility for keeping him sober. I failed at keeping him sober because I was fat. (Note: I realize now this is complete and utter BS. His drug use had nothing to do with me and my weight. I was just so beaten down that i believed it.)

I dumped him, and really didn't do much in any direction about my weight. But over the next few years, I gained more weight, until I reached an all-time high of 250 pounds. I felt terrible in my body -- I couldn't sleep, I ate junk food, my whole body just hurt all the time. I rejoined WW, had tremendous success with PP+. Back down to 175, a very happy weight.

I tried to embrace Smart Points, but over the course of the last year, I've put on about 20 pounds. I can't stick with SP. And I'm tired of being so preoccupied with dieting. I can maintain that 175 weight if I order the lightest thing on the menu always, eat out rarely, exercise 60-90 minutes a day, and drink alcohol only 3-4 times a year. I have come to the point where I have found exercise I enjoy, and once in awhile I like having a glass of wine. This means I am heavier, but certainly happier in some respects. I am sick and tired of floundering with which system is going to work for me ... and I'm scared of being back to my starting weight in the blink of an eye. I want to find that happy medium, where I can be focused on health instead of the scale.

Like many of us here, I have tried NutriSystem, South Beach, calorie counting, multiple WW programs ... and with each start I think "this is the one thing that will finally fix me for once and for all." I feel like I am not giving up on me, but I'm so tired of being so obsessed with the number on the scale. I have started yoga, walk 30 minutes a day, and really feel good ... even though I'm a size 14. I'm now semi-obsessed with all things body positive, and beginning to see the connections between things settling for a crappy relationship and disregarding my inner voice. Listening to my body has become my physical focus, and based on what I know about IE, it sounds like a natural fit.

And if you are still reading this word vomit, thank you! I'm doing some reading this weekend and will keep checking in. I am enjoying everyone's stories.

[borntexan]

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

I have lost and gained weight more times than I care to count.I let myself get to my highest weight of 332 almost 4 years ago.I was depressed and ate anything I wanted to.My new PCP told me if I didn't lose weight it could be the difference between life and death.I had diabetes,high blood pressure,high cholesterol,etc.I joined WW Online Only because there were no meetings within driving distance.I was on SS Disability and could barely walk let alone drive to another town.It has been a long 4 yrs but slowly I have lost 181 lbs.

I am getting very tired of being on a restricted diet however.I want to be able to eat other foods not all fattening but something out of the ordinary without gaining it all back.I heard about IE on the other pro board and have been reading the thread and I don't know if it's something I can do since I have been so strict with myself for so long but it does sound interested.I ordered both books from Amazon and will start reading Intuitive Eating first.I am looking forward to hearing about those who have had success doing this.

I have enjoyed reading everyone's stories and will continue to read and post as I get into the books.

Thanks to Curious3D for starting this thread and to be willing to share her experiences with us.