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Post by peachymom1 on Oct 24, 2016 23:10:33 GMT -5
What’s on your mind – how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.
Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy
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Post by peachymom1 on Oct 24, 2016 23:13:34 GMT -5
Good morning and chag sameach! In honor of my mother-in-law’s 83rd birthday today, I’d like to ask you all your impressions and opinions about mothers-in-law, if you’d like to share.
What do you think of the old stereotype of the meddling, judgmental MIL who doesn’t think her DIL/SIL is good enough for her child? Is this an old-fashioned and unfair label, or is it an unfortunate reality? Do you think the changes in women’s roles in the last fifty years have changed the roles between in-laws?
If you’re a MIL yourself, how has your own experience as a DIL influenced you for the opposite role? Do you behave differently with different sons/daughters-in-law? What do you expect from yourself as a MIL, and what do you think your children’s spouses expect from you?
If you’re a DIL, how do you get along with your MIL? What do you especially appreciate about her, and what do you wish you could change about her? (Yes, I know we can’t change others, only ourselves, but have a little fantasy with me here if you like.) What would the perfect MIL be like? And regardless of your own relationship with your MIL, is she a good grandmother to your children, if you have them?
My MIL wanted a different kind of wife for her son, and hence has never fully accepted me or even tried to get to know me much. In the 39 years DH and I have been together, despite my best efforts to be friendly and loving, and even after producing three grandchildren, she still thinks I’m the wrong match for DH and wishes he’d married a quiet, obedient mouse. In her opinion, I’m too independent, too inquisitive, too smart and too strong. I’ve always wondered why she can’t see that her son chose the kind of wife HE wanted, and if he’d wanted an acquiescent milquetoast, he would have married one.
What I have learned from this experience is that it is not my job or my place to choose or even approve of partners for my children. I’m their mother, not their matchmaker, and once they’re adults, they get to live their own lives and make their own choices. If I want to have a relationship with them, I need to be accepting and kind to my daughters-in-law, regardless of what I think of them. (DD is gay and both DS’s are straight, so I’m not going to have any sons-in-law.) I have also learned that treating a DIL disrespectfully or judgmentally is a good way to get barred from the grandchildren, and I hope with all my heart to be blessed with them someday and be able to have close connections with them.
What are your thoughts, observations, opinions, reactions, feelings or comments?
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Post by happysavta on Oct 25, 2016 0:01:06 GMT -5
My MiL was my husband's stepmother and he had a very close relationship with her. That is a great credit to her because he was already 10 when she married his dad and she had no children of her own. She died very young, at the age of 61, of a massive heart attack; she just dropped and was gone. She was very empathetic and she was a person of emotion first, not cold intellect and analysis. She was warm and kind and non-judgemental. She was particularly wonderful with the grandchildren. At the time, I didn't know how to react to all this touchy-feely-kissy stuff. I didn't really appreciate her wonderful qualities until too late.
As a potential mother-in-law, I was quite wicked to my (now)DiL who is Catholic and of German heritage while she was dating my DS#2. I was hoping to scare her off, so I flew around on my broomstick and sent out my winged monkeys to attack her and Toto. It didn't help, of course. It just made things worse, not with her, but with my son. She was much more forgiving than he was. And since the grandkids came along, it's all better now.
Now of course, I'm a model MiL to all my daughters in-law and my son-in-law, perfect, in fact. Why are you smiling?
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Post by happysavta on Oct 25, 2016 0:05:04 GMT -5
Why are you smiling? The Wizard granted me a heart, a brain, and courage, so of course I'm a wonderful mother-in-law. I offer no unsolicited opinions, ask no questions, and show up only when invited.
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Post by hollygail on Oct 25, 2016 0:53:16 GMT -5
MIL passed away about 6 months before I met DH. However, there was a MIL from my first marriage. Oy. She was such an unhappy woman. She didn't know how to be happy, and I think she may very well have been a bad mother to her kids. She was mostly relatively nice to me, or at least that's what I remember of her... Some time after her son and I broke up, she wrote me a very nasty letter, which I read twice and promptly threw into the trash...
I believe I've treated the mothers of my grandchildren well. I treated them like a friend and something like a daughter. My current DIL is someone I treat VERY well. I'm not so sure that I learned what not to do from my first MIL or whether I'm just generally respectful of others...
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Post by savtele on Oct 25, 2016 9:50:18 GMT -5
Boker Tov All!
I got along fairly well with DH's mother. I did have to bite my tongue - she tended to speak of him as "my ba-a-aby boy" - which irritated the heck out of me. Then once when we were alone & she said that to me, I pointed out that he went to work every day, paid his bills on time, was saving for retirement, & generally did "adult" things - making him an adult! (no, I didn't use a snarky tone, or anything like that) Which kind of put a crimp on our relationship ever after that...We did make peace with one another before she died.
I love my son-the-elder's wife to pieces! She is a wonderful, strong woman, who is now raising 2 amazing sons. She has spina bifida w/chiari malformation & has been in a wheel-chair since her 1st pregnancy - and she simply amazes me!
Son-the-younger is by his own preference not an active member of our family at this time. He does have a girlfriend, and I know she is an integral part of his sobriety - they met at rehab - so, while I don't see her often, I'm pretty sure she is good for him. I love her for that!
My DD's ex-husband - he's just a wonderful guy. A little scary-looking, but sweet.
I try to be a good MIL/G-MIL (yes, we are moving into the next generation now!)
I have a lot of errands to do today. This is Molalla, so it is perfectly acceptable to run into the bank & the stores in my work-out clothes - I will do that before I go schvitz at the gym (see, I really AM a kind person!) But 1st, more coffee....
Have a good day, ladies!
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Post by gazelle18 on Oct 25, 2016 10:21:15 GMT -5
My MIL was quite something. She was in an internment camp in Belgium, and got ransomed out by relatives from the US in 1939. She looked and sounded like Zsa Zsa Gabor! But she was extremely Germanic, judgmental, and controlled. This may have been a result of her experiences in the war, but she was not a warm - and - fuzzy MIL. I was always on edge around her.
I have a great relationship with my local son in law. My DIL is harder to get close to but I admire and love her. She is the perfect match for my son. I try really really hard to be non- judgmental and to give her lots of (well deserved) compliments. It's not just me; my DH has a hard time getting close to her as well. But I cannot stress how much we like her, love her, admire her, etc. This branch of the family lives in Atlanta, and I imagine we'd be closer if we all lived in the same city.
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Post by happysavta on Oct 25, 2016 11:44:52 GMT -5
I love Peachy's observation that her role is to be a mother to her children, not a matchmaker. This is a particularly touchy area for me in regards to DS#4 who I am protective of since he's functionally younger than his biological age. On the subject of women, he tends to be romantic and idealistic and naïve.
He has had several girlfriends and all of those relationships have ended badly. One girl (and her mother) were intent on marriage and he doesn't want to be married or become a father. One girl could not say "no" to his constant requests for food and fed his obesity. One girl had a DUI and he doesn't drink or do drugs. If she had been a foodie, then he would have stuck around. One girl had a very crazy family, literally, and she was 100% financially dependent, 100% controlled, so she was unable to make decisions for herself. Her mother one day told DS#4 that he was no longer welcome to date her daughter, a 31 y/o divorce. That was that.
He becomes discouraged and lonely in his quest to find a girlfriend. I keep repeating a saying in Yiddish that my mother often used. "For every pot, there is a lid".
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Post by louise on Oct 25, 2016 13:54:13 GMT -5
I had a reasonable relationship with my MIL but I also had to bite my tongue. She wore a long off white lace dress to my wedding and never could see a problem with that. I found that telling.
I'm exhausted after last night's service and this morning's. Much running around and much coordination. Happy to be sitting (very still)at my desk at work.
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lee058
This space for rent
Posts: 23,285 
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Post by lee058 on Oct 25, 2016 14:35:06 GMT -5
Hi everybody. It's a beautiful autumn day here in VA, although it was pretty chilly when I drove DS to work early this morning. The sun is shining very brightly, the sky is bright blue, the leaves are slowly starting to change and a lot have fallen already, and all in all, I'm happy to be able to look around. I have been doing a few chores around the house today; a couple of loads of laundry, dishes, and phone calls primarily.
Re today's topic: My MIL and I didn't get along. She said she was sorry on her deathbed. I'm not mad at her anymore, even though she did some nasty things to me.
Anyway, I try to get along with everyone as best I can.
Okay, got to go. Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee
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