|
|
Post by peachymom1 on Jun 30, 2024 22:05:49 GMT -5
What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.
Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy
And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!
|
|
|
|
Post by peachymom1 on Jun 30, 2024 22:08:15 GMT -5
Good morning everyone! Welcome to July! Here’s something recent from author Mark Manson:
“The second biggest waste of time is to try helping someone who asked for help but doesn't actually want it. The biggest is to be that person who asked. The person who asks for help and doesn’t want it, and the person who gives it even though it isn’t wanted, both want the same thing: to feel seen.”
What do you think of this?
I’m thinking of two dear friends who have a couple of longstanding issues they sometimes ask me to help them with. But then they turn down my help when we make arrangements for me to do what they’re asking, even though I don’t judge them or try to give them unsolicited advice. This used to drive me nuts. I’d get annoyed with them for wasting my time, and I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t let me do something that clearly would lighten their load or give them more time or otherwise make their lives easier.
Then it occurred to me that when these people ask for my help, they aren’t really asking me to help them. They’re asking me to hear them and acknowledge their need. I think that’s what Manson means about feeling seen. These two friends both need someone to see and accept that they are carrying a heavy burden that they will work out in their own way, in their own time. They aren’t asking me to fix anything or teach them anything, even though I am able and willing to. They will handle their issues when they’re ready to. All they need now is for me to be there. So I am. But it took me a long time to get to a place of peace about it.
Do you know people like this?
|
|
|
|
Post by louise on Jul 1, 2024 0:18:02 GMT -5
I think your analysis is good. I have a problem with someone that is so needy but somehow puts out a vibe that doesn't bring out the best in people. I always feel bad about myself for not helping but when I offer her a ride I know I'm in for a rant on how much trouble her duaghter is, etc.
It was way too humid Sunday for me to do much outside but I did have a surprise - My BFNF (the one who dropped me a couple of years ago after something like 33 years as BFFs) called to say hello. I actually stared at the phone for a moment before answering. I don't know if we can put together a future but it was very nice having a little chat.
|
|
|
|
Post by gazelle18 on Jul 1, 2024 1:17:44 GMT -5
My DH and I have a good, loving, caring relationship. Naturally, when something is bugging me, I will turn to him as my sounding board. Often, instead of simply listening and empathizing, he will go into his “fix it mode.” I have to then say, “I’m not looking for you to solve this problem. I just want you to understand how I’m feeling.”
|
|
lee058
This space for rent
Posts: 23,258 
|
Post by lee058 on Jul 1, 2024 7:10:32 GMT -5
Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.
Re today's topic: I don't have anyone in my life who asks for help but doesn't really want it. When people that I know, or that DH knows, ask for help, they really need it.
Have a peaceful day, Lee
|
|
|
|
Post by hollygail on Jul 1, 2024 8:12:46 GMT -5
Although I opened yesterday's thread yesterday, I just now responded...
I'll be back after minyan to read today's.
|
|
|
|
Post by hollygail on Jul 1, 2024 14:43:35 GMT -5
Yes, I certainly do know someone like that. The thing is, often she asks my advice and takes it. And then after she's done it, she tells me how it worked (it usually does). However, more often she asks for my advice and when I give it, she tells me why it won't work and too often what I hear is that she didn't want my advice about this particular thing; she preferred / prefers to wallow in it. So I stop. And most of the time, I just let her continue complaining about it, and I look for a way to change the topic or at least stop the part of the topic that's resulting in complaining. There's a difficult line to see...
|
|
