Jewish Musings, Wednesday, Jan 4

[louise]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting - you are welcome to do that but you are also welcome to chime in!

[louise]

Hello, Esther, and welcome!

Maybe my goal in posting this will become clear (to me included) as I write it up. I was taken by an article I read in the Times today about a three-time amputee who went on to become a doctor with a specialty in palliative care. It happened when he was a junior in college, fooling around with friends one night and did something foolish, was electrocuted, badly burned, ended up losing both legs below the knee and one arm below the elbow. He came to an understanding about his state that allowed him to do things like have a motorcycle built with all the controls on one handlebar and also developed exquisite sensitivity to the needs of others.

“It wasn’t that Miller was suddenly enlightened; internally, he was in turmoil. But in retrospect, he credits himself with doing one thing right: He saw a good way to look at his situation and committed to faking that perspective, hoping that his genuine self might eventually catch up. Miller refused, for example, to let himself believe that his life was extra difficult now, only uniquely difficult, as all lives are. He resolved to think of his suffering as simply a ‘variation on a theme we all deal with — to be human is really hard,’ he says. His life had never felt easy, even as a privileged, able-bodied suburban boy with two adoring parents, but he never felt entitled to any angst; he saw unhappiness as an illegitimate intrusion into the carefree reality he was supposed to inhabit. And don’t we all do that, he realized. Don’t we all treat suffering as a disruption to existence, instead of an inevitable part of it? He wondered what would happen if you could ‘reincorporate your version of reality, of normalcy, to accommodate suffering.’ As a disabled person, he was getting all kinds of signals that he was different and separated from everyone else. But he worked hard to see himself as merely sitting somewhere on a continuum between the man on his deathbed and the woman who misplaced her car keys, to let his accident heighten his connectedness to others, instead of isolating him. This was the only way, he thought, to keep from hating his injuries and, by extension, himself.”

[louise]

Wow, right?! Part of why it spoke to me is because of my own (comparatively tiny) problems with my shoulder and my knee – sometimes I get upset that this may be how it’s going to be. I don’t mean to be a drama queen here – my pain is well within tolerable – but you go through what you go through and you do better with it some days than others. Did you see that animated movie a little while back called “Inside Out”? It basically took place in the brain of a little girl who had just moved, was unfamiliar with everything new, and felt tremendous pressure from her parents (and others) to be happy. The lesson was about balance – it’s not all one emotion or the other, but an integrated whole.

I was so struck by his ability to go from “extra difficult” to “uniquely difficult”. I’m sure there is something in this for all of us about maybe perspective, or maybe reframing a situation so it becomes something you can handle. My DXH must have had something like this going on to get through his ordeal.

[hollygail]

Welcome, Esther! Do you have a particular "pull" about the Baroque period? I do. I have an Italian-style harpsichord but play (almost exclusively) JS Bach (I haven't tried any of the Italian Baroque composers). I started piano lessons as a child and grew to love mostly the Classical period and really love the Baroque period.

My microwave oven's "start" button (is there new terminology for touch screens?) doesn't do diddly squat this morning. I got out an old tea kettle to heat water for my herbal tea. I have to go check on it now. I'll BBL.

[savtele]

Boker Tov, All! Welcome, Esther - I'm Angelika, living in OR in the foothills to the Cascades. (for now) 67 y o mom of 3, grandma of 9, GG (great grandma) of 5 (and various children who walk through the room & also call me GG)

Louise - this is Brilliant! The move from "extra difficult" to "uniquely difficult" is, I think, a shift we all have to make as we age. Our bodies have stopped forgiving us for anything we ever did to them - from an ice skating accident at age 10, to too many hours in the sun in my 20s - to finally, the accident that left me with mobility challenges - the body remembers! Every controlled substance, every fall & every sunburn, has left some mark, somewhere - that now keeps a Dermatologists or Orthopedists kids in college!

As I watch Natalie learn to navigate her world, I am amazed at the abilities of one so young! Of course, she has no other abilities to compare to!

After what seems days and days, I'm heading back to the pool. Roads are clear & the wind is blowing fiercely today. I'll be at the store this afternoon, I hope we get some business. It's c-c-c-c-old outside!

Have a good day ladies!

[peachymom1]

Wow, I'm still digesting "extra difficult” to “uniquely difficult." That is a person of courage and character. And it know it doesn't always happen with people who face tremendous hardship. I know someone who has looked death in the face twice (cancer) and still doesn't appreciate her family's love and support. Instead of feeling grateful that she got through it all and is alive, she's snarky and petty with her family and has an ugly, entitled attitude.

[peachymom1]

I did see "Inside Out" -- DH enjoyed it immensely and pestered me until I watched it.

I think sometimes we deny ourselves the right to be angry or hurt because "it could be worse." But I don't like that argument, because it can always be worse. But that doesn't mean I can't have a good cry over something or even a tantrum, as long as I get through it and keep going. As the saying goes, it's OK to sit on the pity pot as long as you remember to get up and flush!

[happysavta]

Thank you for the article, Louise. I admire this young man's spirit and recognize the value of taking that route in the face of daunting challenges. No anger, no self-pity, no hopelessness, no railing at the unfairness. His story makes you ache with pain and smile with joy at the same time. I was struck by his admission that he "committed to faking that perspective, hoping that his genuine self might eventually catch up." Maybe I could just fake enjoying exercise until my genuine self eventually catches up too.

The movie "Inside Out" was about choice versus knee-jerk reaction. The heroine had to learn to make a conscious choice between being happy or being angry, for example, instead of automatically reacting to a situation. That's the definition of attitude. My mother and I used to have this discussion all the time. I appreciate how hard it was for someone who was Jewish in Poland between 1939 to 1944 to be anything other than reactive to the traumatic losses she had. But to give up ever feeling joyful or happy again seemed to me to be a deliberate choice too. I don't know why some survivors were able to be alive again and some were not. Maybe it's what this young man did, commit to faking that perspective.

My greatest challenge was when DS#2 was 2 years old and was labelled as Developmentally Delayed with Autistic Behaviors. I was consumed with anger and self-pity. "Not fair! was the thought that kept banging the drum in my head. I searched for a way to fix him which only got in the way of accepting him as he was. I'm a slow learner. The right attitude didn't pop up for many years. My knee jerk reaction was to be bitter. Eventually, I figured out that in every life challenge, you have to make a conscious choice between being bitter or being better. The young man in the article figured it out very quickly.

[happysavta]

Hi, Esther,

I'm Frieda (Happy Savta) and I also live in San Diego. I've got 4 adult children and 7 grand-munchkins. Nice to have you on board - welcome. My DH plays the clarinet and the recorder. To amuse the little munchkins, he plays the recorder through his nose on special occasions. It's hilarious!

[lee058]

Hi everybody, and welcome Esther! I'm Lee, age 58, and I live in VA in the DC suburbs. I have one DS23 who has Asperger's, and he is uniquely wonderful.

Today I had my annual mammogram (the 3D version). I hope everyone here has gotten one recently or plans to get one this year! The same goes for any other medical tests you need to take, even if (like me) you may need to be coaxed or scolded into it (!).

Right now I am really tired, so I will make this short, but I did want to check in and say hello today. Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee

[louise]

Hi Esther,
I live in NJ and will be 69 next week. I work for an art book publisher and am very active in my synagogue. I sing in the choir (I have 6 good notes)and love to crochet.
Louise

[gazelle18]

Hi Esther....I posted this last night and am not sure you saw it. I am Lynne, a retired lawyer who lives in New Orleans.

Louise, I love this article! Thanks for quoting from it. What an inspiring and courageous person.

The movie "Inside Out" had a profound impact on me, especially because it became my 7 year old granddaughter's favorite movie. She has some anxieties, and this movie was great for her.(and for me!)

Sorry this was such a quick post, but I am really busy today.