Jewish Musings, Tuesday, February 28, 2017

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting - you are welcome to do that but you are also welcome to chime in!

[peachymom1]

Good morning! Today’s transition topic is two-sided: marriage and divorce. I’ve mentioned here that a close friend of mine is in the process of a divorce, and also that my DD28 is getting married this year. So both transitions are on my mind.

Since my parents divorced in the sixties, public perception of divorce has changed dramatically, at least in Los Angeles, and it’s no longer such a shocking and judge-worthy state. So I was surprised to learn that bff’s parents and sisters are ashamed of her for not sticking with the marriage and “making it work,” even though they know she’s been hurting and unhappy about her abusive and dishonest DH. Why is the status of being married so sacrosanct that it trumps respect, love, care, trust and honesty? I know these people, and it boggles my mind. I want to choke them all.

How has the concept of divorce changed, in general and to you in particular, since the women’s movement? What have you seen change in your lifetime, for better or for worse?

What about marriage? Why do people get married these days? In previous generations, you got married because your family expected it, especially women, and we often didn’t have much choice about who we got paired up with. In this country, in these times, we have more freedom than ever. Plenty of people choose not to marry at all, some choose to make a home together without a formal commitment, and some of us still go ahead and tie the knot. DD28 and her fiancée are devoted to each other and committed to making a successful partnership. What do you see happening these days, in all age groups? Do you think the institution of marriage is still worthy of respect and effort? Or do you think it’s an anachronism that should be done away with entirely, or reduced to simple legal status? How do you feel about marriage itself, and if you’d like to share, how do you feel about being married yourself (whether you’re married now, ever have been or never have been)?

What are your thoughts, comments, feelings and reactions?

[louise]

I'm sorry I missed yesterday, especially as it was so relevant for me! I took a mental health/sick day and was in the dumps over a mini binge - I thought I had my eating straightened out but it's all so fragile.

I feel for you Peachy and also strongly agree with what others have said about your skill set - you have been very valuable as an EA and I have no doubt you will be to your next boss & team as well - whether or not that boss is a jerk, is a whole nother thing. Be nice if we got to interview them before we accept a job!

This job transition thing is on my mind since I know that in the next few months my job is likely to end. Someone mentioned to me that maybe I could be an EA - sounded like maybe there was some potential there but then I realized that I haven't had to be at my job from 9-5 in many years. Mt hours are very flexible - would I even want to step into that and be the new girl as well at the tender age of 69?

Angelika, I'm not sure when you transitioned from being a shopper to a worker at the Antique Mall. Sounds like the kind of job I would like at this point in my life too.

Marriage and divorce? My attitude about couplings and uncouplings is all about live and let live. I do still believe in the institution of marriage and family (however they are defined) and it makes me happy to see these things when they work and conversely it's sad to see when they don't and people get stuck.

[1kflute]

I am divorced (1970's) from an abusive husband. It is one of the best things I did for myself. I have had a good life as a single mother. My mother divorced my father in her mid fifties and had a much harder time of it. She started working full time for the first time in her life. She couldn't get credit because she was a woman. I believe in marriage and family, but there has to be love and respect for everyone.i

[brgmsn]

My DD1 got a divorce after 5 loooong years with a huge loser. We all knew he was a loser, she thought she could change him. She could not. She got her divorce, is in the process of obtaining her get (he converted, lucky us), and she is happier than she's been in years.
We have been married 38 years.
My DB left his wife of 18 years. He isn't happy. With himself. He blames the marriage, but it's him.
So relationships are work. On both sides. If only one side does the work, does the respecting and the caring, it is doomed. Or should be.
Just my opinion.

[hollygail]

I've been married and divorced several times... I married #1 during college and DS is the only child either of us ever had (he never remarried, nor remained in a committed relationship for more than a few years). We broke up (and he lived in British Columbia most of the rest of his life) because we had grown in different directions — we found we had nothing in common (other than DS) after 8 years of marriage. We remained friends for a long time, then weren't for many years, then became friends again after two grandchildren (2 years apart) had been born. He told me he loved me several months before he died (he knew death was coming, from cancer), and I spoke with him probably three times during his last couple of months. I still think of him when I hear certain songs on the radio.

I'll skip the boring in-between men...

When (current) DH and I met, our children were grown (okay, his younger son had just graduated from high school, was living with him and going to a local 2-year college). After his DS moved back to Arizona (to go to a 4-year university), we moved in together, and lived together for several years before even talking about marriage. From the day we met to the day we married was 6 years (minus 5 days). No one was in a hurry at this point in our lives.

I totally agree that respect is paramount in any relationship. I've been commended by I don't know how many education directors and principals where I've taught: apparently, other teachers don't treat their students with anywhere near as much respect as I do...

[louise]

I was married to someone who was gay and an alcoholic. I didn't understand back then that I was an enabler. We were together for 10 years (married for about half of that). One day I woke up and said "no more." He went on to bottom out and was then sober for something like 30 years. He went to college, got several degrees, and became a CSW and a professor at John Jay College. We remained friends through all (most?) of it but could not be a married couple. I never was in a big time relationship again - it took me years of therapy to finally just get angry. I felt damaged - I was scarred by being rejected by my husband (I was 112 pounds back then) - or so I say - truth be told I felt like damaged goods before I got married too. Don't know where we get these ideas from but it's how therapists stay in business!

[peachymom1]

I have such great respect for people who find the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Those of you who have done it, good for you, I'm happy for you.

I'm over at the Marriott at a blood drive right now. I don't want any cookies, right? Right?

Ah, but this little bag of cheez-its is only four points! I'm having it! I have to stay another five minutes, so I will make them last and then drink more water.

They're playing some great old song! I just heard Stevie Wonder with Higher Ground. Yeah baby!

[lee058]

Hi everybody. Hope you are all well. I think marriage is very important, and that there are as many kinds of marriages as there are people involved in them. I don't really want to talk about my own at the moment as it is a complicated relationship and I don't want to start thinking about the aspects that I am not happy with. There are good things about it, but there are also things that I wish I could change.

It's pouring rain outside right now, and it's supposed to thunderstorm on and off through tomorrow night. I hope that the flowers and budding trees will be okay.

Have a peaceful evening, Lee

[happysavta]

I met my husband when I was 19, I married him when I was 21, and we're been married 47 years. He's been a faithful and devoted husband & father, and I've been a faithful and devoted wife and mother. And yet, after all these years, neither of us is sure that we want to be married anymore. We have very different goals. I want a slow paced life of retirement and leisure and to be together. He wants to be in a start-up company, be involved in numerous new and very risky business ventures in China, and keep working, working, working intensely and continually. He wants to be forever young, won't accept being tired or having a birthday, and I'm comfortable being at my own age and can accept the aches and pains. We were so compatible for 47 years; it was as though we were one person in two bodies. Now we are not compatible at all.

[brgmsn]

I'm so sorry Frieda. That sounds like a painful situation for you both. I hope you find a common ground one way or another and come to a mutually agreeable way to move on, whether together or apart.

[happysavta]

I'm still on the Aggravation Diet and it's bountiful.

1. DS#4's car broke down on his way home from work last night in the pouring rain. Text messages from him said: "SOS" "HELP", but no info about what the problem was. The breakdown occurred despite having AAA come out and check the battery on Saturday and despite having a new alternator installed on Saturday. A good Samaritan helped DS#4 push the car out of the street to a gas station. Being an Aspie, he had neither a jacket nor an umbrella, of course, so he was cold, wet, and panicked. This was his first car malfunction.

2. It took 3 hours until I finally had the car towed to my house. Called AAA again for a jump; they couldn't get the car to start. Called AAA for a tow. Tow truck driver took DS#4 to a nearby mechanic, but it was closed and he couldn't find a spot on the street to leave the car, so another tow brought the car to my house. This morning I had it towed again to my usual mechanic near my house. He told me the new alternator isn't working. He filled the battery, so the car was operational.

3. My dryer also went on the blink yesterday. Yesterday was not a good day. It's not heating. Holly, do you happen to know an appliance service company?

4. I got an email from my bank that a large check that was deposited in my account bounced. Again. For the second time. You see, we loaned my cousin in L.A. a couple of thousand dollars for a week. (I know, I know, I hear you - "Don't lend money to family.") He said he would repay it in a week. That was on Feb. 3. Both of the repayment checks he deposited were returned for insufficient funds.

5. Had the usual tussles with DS#4. Couldn't get him out of bed again. His ILS (Independent Living Skills)worker couldn't reach him to confirm 11 am appointment. I had to go over there and open his door (I have a key) at 10:55 and yell at him to get up and get dressed. I left a bunch of groceries and stuff outside his door. His norm is to take groceries into the house and never unpack them.

6. Then, I went to the nail shop for a pedicure and a manicure. Ahhhhhh, so nice!!

7. DS#4 was supposed to walk over to meet me in the nail shop at 12:30 pm. We were going to go to the airport to pick up one of his brothers. I wanted to teach DS#4 the route to the airport. At 12:15 pm, I text him that I am done with nails, and to get over here. At 12:25 pm, he texts me that he is on his way. At 12:42, I text him and find out he is still at home; he isn't "on his way". I drive over to his house and pick him up. He comes out barefoot, holding his shoes and sock and his belt. I call him a few choice names. I then inform him that we won't have time to grab lunch before we go to the airport because he didn't show up at the nail shop on time as he promised. We barely have time to get to the airport.

8. We drive to the airport, pick up DS#2, take DS#2 to where he needs to go, then we go to the mechanic who has determined that the alternator failed and who advises us and take the car back to the mechanic who put in the new alternator. He doesn't charge us anything for diagnosing the problem and filling the battery.

9. We drive the car to Mechanic #1 who is very apologetic, but assures us that the alternator has a warranty and not to worry, he will make it right. He thinks there is another problem that is causing the alternator not to feed the battery, but promises that there will be no additional charge, after he hears my sad tale of 3 hours in the rain last night.

At 3:30 pm, we finally stop for lunch at a little greek-lebanese grill. We turn down the french fries (I turned down the french fries and refuse to buy them for DS#4) and just have a delicious gyro sandwich.

Then I drive him home, stop for gas, and go home myself. It's 5:30 pm and I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed, ladies. I still need to find someone to repair the dryer, but tomorrow is another day, to quote Scarlett O'Hara.
'

[peachymom1]

Frieda, that is way too much tsuris. I'm glad you at least got to have your nails done. I hope things are better tomorrow. Where's that well of patience...

[happysavta]

Nah, those aren't tsuris. They're just aggravations that tire you out. That's just the ordinary stuff of life, machines break down, toilets overflow, people don't do the right thing, and your kids drive you crazy.

Real Tsuris are more like this: My son-in-law's mother got diagnosed with lung cancer in both lungs. She will need chemo. She was never a smoker and this was out of the blue. My daughter-in-law's father has Alzheimer's. Five months ago, he was lucid, conversing, engaged. Now, he's in a locked ward because he gets violent (out of his confusion) and has been aggressive toward family members and staff ("sun-downer's syndrome.) He's been in the hospital for 3 weeks while the doctors try all kinds of combinations of medications so he is less agitated, but can still function.

My cousin will pay me back when he gets the money, I got to see DS#2 and chat while we drove, DS#4 owned up to not being responsible and procrastinating, I got my feet soaked in lovely hot water and massaged too, the car is with the mechanic and I'm paid up, and the gyros sandwich was delicious.