Jewish Musings, Wednesday, March 1, 2017

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting - you are welcome to do that but you are also welcome to chime in!

[peachymom1]

Good morning everyone. I had a perfectly horrible day on Tuesday; I cried at work for the first time in many years. I’m hoping you wise ones will have some perspective and wisdom for me. This isn’t life-threatening or earth-shattering, but it’s painful nonetheless.

My boss’s last day is next Tuesday the 7th. She didn’t want a party or even a lunch as a send-off; in fact, she said she didn’t want any hoopla at all. I wanted to do SOMETHING, and I knew the rest of the department did too, so I came up with the idea of just having cake in a conference room, and she agreed to that. DB is particularly close to two of her directors, having traveled and worked closely with them for a long time. I’ll call them D1 and D2. Upon hearing about the cake idea, D1 advised me to book a conference room on a different floor from ours, but didn’t offer any other suggestions. I was going to order a cake from Vons, but D2 is a very talented baker, loves to bake, did a fabulous job for the baby shower we had last month, and I thought she might be offended if I didn’t ask her to make the cake for our boss. So I asked if she would like to, and I offered to pay for the supplies needed. D2 happily offered to make the cake and said she’d supply it herself if I would just get paper plates, napkins and forks. So far, so good.

There’s another department that works closely with ours in almost everything we do, they sit right next to us, and it occurred to me that they would feel left out if I didn’t include them with the cake thing. The head of that department also traveled extensively with DB and the two directors last year, so they are particularly close. Then a number of other people were asking about joining us in whatever we were going to do, and before I knew it, the list of invitees had grown substantially. I had this idea in my head that we’d open the conference room door and people would go in and out, chatting, wishing DB well, having cake and staying just a few minutes. I guess I didn’t really think it through. How do you tell somebody they can’t join in on a celebration for someone who’s leaving the company? I didn’t know how to control the number of people, so it snowballed.

So I sent out the calendar invitation to everyone this morning, after getting to work late after the gynecologist and the mammogram. DB was in meetings all morning and through lunch, then I went to give blood at 2:00, and when I got back to my desk, I had a voicemail from D1, so I called her right back. In a calm voice, totally professionally, she read me the riot act. DB only agreed to a small gathering, not a big crowd, and there were way too many people to fit into the conference room, I told too many people, etc. When I mentioned that I didn’t see how I could leave out that other department, she countered that they could have done something separate for DB themselves, like get her a card or something. She’s right, and it didn’t even occur to me. D1 said there was no way it could work. I asked her what she thought I should do, how I could fix it. Should I just cancel the whole thing? She said she would have to talk to DB and see what she thought, and she suggested that I talk to DB first, if her schedule allowed me any time. This director is someone who is known for being straightforward, and she sometimes rubs people the wrong way if they don’t know her, even though she is never malicious. I’ve worked with her for over ten years and always understood her way, but today she got me straight to the core. Everything she said was dead on, and I felt stupid and ashamed for not knowing and doing better. As soon as we hung up, the tears started, and I felt bewildered and dejected.

I couldn’t talk to DB myself until after 5:00, when her last meeting ended, but she came to my cubicle herself before I could go to her. She looked unhappy herself, and she told me to just cancel the gathering altogether. Then she commented that she didn’t think D2 was expecting to make a large cake. I think she meant this to help take the focus off me and my error in judgment, but it had the effect of making me realize that I was also imposing on D2 by creating such a big bunch of people to provide cake for. It made me feel even worse.

I realize there are certainly more serious things going on in people’s lives but this hit me hard, and I still feel bad about it. Now, not only are we not having a party or a lunch for a beloved colleague, but not even a cake celebration, nothing at all now. I should have known better and used better judgment. I’ve been trying to figure out why I didn’t see this for myself and just do this right; all I had to do was just invite our own department, end of story. I know I am imperfect and I’m going to make mistakes, but this should not have been a big deal. Why did I miss all the marks? Is it because I’m sad that DB is leaving us and worried about my own job and future? And this is not the worst mistake a person can make; why am I crying about it and mortified at my own behavior? Is it just fear that people will think I’m an incompetent idiot?

I’m so confused. I would appreciate any and all comments you’d like to offer.

[brgmsn]

Aren't we so smart in hindsight. OF COURSE you clearly see how everything snowballed and how you could have handled it differently. Don't we all? Every single time? I thought I'd stop doing things without thinking them through by this point in my life, but I'm right there with you. I do find I learn from them, as have you. Everyone makes mistakes. Every one of us. It's not earth shattering, no one died, no one was sick, nothing was lost--as Frieda said in her post last night--it's an aggravation, not a catastrophe. Doesn't feel like it, but it is.
Your heart was in the right place. THAT matters. You didn't want to leave anyone out. That makes you a caring person. Pretty special qualities in my book

[gazelle18]

Oh Peachy, we all make mistake! I used to say that I had made three mistakes before even rolling out of bed in the morning.

One idea is to try to lighten the matter with a bit of humor: DB didn't want anything big and i allowed this to get that way. I apologize ! Perhaps it was my way of getting by beloved boss not to miss work too much by screwing up one last time.

Another idea is to try to take control of the situation like the producer from LaLaLand did Sunday nite. "There has been a mistake. It was my fault. I wanted to honor DB, who we all adore, but she wanted to keep it very small. It got out of hand, but only because everyone loves her. This was my screw up, and I apologize to DB and everyone else.

YOUR DB will get over it. To everyone else, it's just a cake. Personally I think that DB and her co directors are making too much of this,but that's beside the point.

I know it sounds trite right now, but this too shall pass.

Hang in there!

[savtele]

Boker Tov All! I had a busy day yesterday - never made it here - and have another busy one today (working). But:

Peachy - of COURSE you were blinded by your own emotions. No doubt there was a protective layer, somewhere between your ears & your thinking process, that delayed critical thinking, and every time someone mentioned "we should do this!" your mouth said "yes" before critical thinking could kick in. It happens to all of us. It's a protection. And a time bomb.

Regarding marriage & divorce: I was married for 10 years, to an alcoholic. I was an enabler. I knew that I could help this bad boy. I had 3 children with him. When I finally left, I realized that it is better to be alone by myself, than to be alone in a relationship. I hold to that to this day. After that, I was married for a very short time to an immigrant, on an expired tourist visa, who was looking for a green card. (That part didn't come out until after the wedding) Didn't last long - when he asked me to get his paper-work in order for him, I told him to do it himself & left. By then I had quite the jaded view of marriage.

Louise - my "transition from shopper to worker" actually happened at H2Oaerobics - the owner of the Mall is in my class. We were talking about the Mall in the hot tub & I laughingly asked if she ever needed any help. Yes, she did. The rest is history - and in May the Farmers' Market gets added. Fun all around.

I need a bit more coffee & I need to make my lunch & put my clothes together. (I made a big pot of chicken soup last night - for dinner tonight)

Have a good day ladies!

[lee058]

Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well. Today I had physical therapy and got to try a new machine plus some new exercises to help my shoulder. I definitely feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago. Later this afternoon, I am going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. It's supposed to thunderstorm right when I will be out, ugh.

Peachy, I wrote a comment to you under your post. I hope you see it.

I'll be back later to read posts and maybe write some more. Have a peaceful day, Lee

[happysavta]

Well, today's topic is how we feel about our mistakes and not being perfect, I guess.

I don't have much to write on this topic, of course. I can't think of any mistakes I've ever made, no faux-pas in my social or work life, no "Oops, I shouldn't have said that/done that".

My life is a well constructed, perfect nest, and I perch on my perfect branch, merrily chirping all day. In my cozy world, there are no intrusions by should-haves, could-haves, no finger wagging, eye rolling or shoulder shrugs. Nope, I've never felt bad or sad or angry. Crying? What's that? I've never cried.

Not only am I perfect, but my house is perfect, immaculate. Oh, yes, and my husband is perfect, my children are perfect, my parents were perfect. It's no wonder I turned out so perfect too.


OK, I guess that's enough comedy for today, chaverot. I gotta go find somebody to fix the dryer before I run out of clean underwear.

[peachymom1]

Thanks for the giggle, Frieda, right now I can use one.

Radiology called -- they found something in my mammogram yesterday and want me back in for some further imaging and an ultrasound. So I'm going tomorrow morning at 10:30. Maybe there's nothing to worry about, but I bawled like a baby anyway. Luckily I keep a package of makeup remover cloths in my drawer here at work.

Does anyone have any extra hugs?

[happysavta]

Peachy, same thing happened to me too. Twice, mammograms resulted in call backs for more imaging and an ultrasound. And I got biopsied twice, of course, once on each breast. Turned out negative both times. The majority of them do turn out to be negative. They will likely schedule you for a rule-out biopsy. And if you do have a problem, take comfort in the thought that a majority of women beat this disease very successfully nowadays; we've come a long way. Please don't let the thought "What if it's positive" take over your mind and send you into a panic. Right now, today, in the present moment, you don't have breast cancer. And BTW, the sun is shining, you have a daughter getting married and probably something delicious cooking for tonight''s dinner.

Hugs,

Frieda

[peachymom1]

Lee, I did see your comment just now. For some reason, those comments don't show on my phone when I access this site, so I have to wait until I get home to use the computer.

Thank you to all of you for your help in feeling better and understanding things. You are so wonderful.

[hollygail]

I don't think what you did was stupid. I think you were acting from the heart. I gotta tell you, that's something I very greatly admire in a person. You're tops in my book, Peachy!

You are going to purchase a lovely "good-bye" card from a nice card store; you are going to sign it and hand it to DB yourself. She will know (not that she ever had any doubt whatsoever) how much you care. If you want to, you can also create something at home to bring to her (be it a cupcake or a lace hanky or anything else). You are a very good person, Peachy. And only one thing that proves how good you are is that you wanted (and still want) to show DB how much she is cared for and how much she will be missed. Kol hakavod!

[patty]

{{{{hugs}}}