Jewish Musings, Sunday April 30th

[lee058]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Angelika
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you who stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to do that but you are also welcome to chime in. And I'm curious about what makes someone read a thread but never post to it... The Thursday thread had over 70 views, and the Wednesday thread had over 80 views... I suspect each of us isn't checking the thread more than 11 (or 13) times a day...

[lee058]

Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well. Today is the last day of April, and I can't believe it has gone by so fast. This has been a tumultuous month for me, so I am glad that May is almost here. Besides May 8th being my 59th birthday (and how did that happen??), this month promises lots of beautiful flowers and trees, which I am looking forward to seeing. Here in Northern Virginia, yesterday we already had temperatures over 90 degrees (!!!), so May won't be the first month to have that happen, but I hope that there will be plenty of warm, pleasant days.

The main events for me will be seeing my primary doctor, orthopedic doctor, and possibly a shoulder specialist to figure out what to do next about my right shoulder and arm. You have all been a tremendous support for me during this difficult time, and I thank you very much. If it does turn out that I need surgery, I will need all the emotional help I can get. Hopefully, it won't be necessary, but as I am continuing to have pain, I will need to take some kind of further action. I'm seeing my primary doctor's PA-C tomorrow morning, and I am scheduled to see the orthopedic doctor next week (although the PA-C may say to go see him sooner). I have every intention of doing whatever is needed to help myself with this situation.

Anyway, changing the subject, I'd like to introduce today's topic, which some of you might guess is relevant to what I've just said (!). Today's topic: When someone aggravates you, especially if they are family members, do you eat/overeat? If so, what do you eat? Does it make you feel better? How do you feel after awhile? Any insights on why you do this?

For me, I definitely eat or overeat when someone aggravates me, especially if they are family members. I try to say something to that person (or people) about my feelings instead of just smothering them, but even if do that, I find that I still want to eat/overeat afterwards. (I meant smothering the feelings, not the person!) I usually eat sweets and/or carbs. They do make me feel better, at least for awhile. After that, I often ask myself why I turned to the food.

As for why I do that, there are a couple of reasons. One is purely physical. The sweets and carbs affect my brain and blood sugar, and at least for awhile, I actually do feel better. Crashing, though, does not feel good, but I still find it difficult to accept that if I eat a lot of sweets/carbs, it will result in fatigue and maybe a headache afterwards. Despite knowing this, I still turn to the foods that change my mood.

Another reason is that I just do not like arguing, especially with family members. When I do, or if I hold in my feelings to myself, afterwards I want to "sweeten my life." Chocolate has been proven to contain chemicals that simulate the ones we get when we love someone/something. Is it any wonder that chocolate is the choice of many people when they are dealing with negative emotional energy?

This week, I would like us to examine short- and long-term ways of changing our worlds, thoughts and feelings. Today is just the beginning or what I hope will be an interesting and useful week for everyone! I am looking forward to sharing and listening. Have a peaceful day, Lee

[louise]

Gr-r-r- my post disappeared. Here we go again. I absolutely eat when I'm upset and I also gravitate towards sweets. The thing is though that this invariably leads me into a downward spiral and I feel worse afterwards - which can be DAYS later. I have made a relatively recent but significant reduction in my sugar intake which, I believe, is largely responsible for a bigtime reduction in my arthritic pain. That's a very strong reason to maintain it. Notice, I said "reduction", not "elimination"! From that food delivery program I have been on I learned about other snacks - peanut butter on apple slices, tuna salad, etc. Over Passover I treated myself with cheese on matzah (nuked a few seconds to melt the cheese)- this is a not a low calorie snack, I know, but it works way better for me than starting the sugar cycle. I also have had success with Weight Watchers fudgsicles and those fabulous yogurt cups that have a little bit of chocolate/nuts/fruit - just enough to be a treat but not enough to tip the balance and only 100 calories. The portion control these products provide are key. I have a long way to go, but this shifting of what I eat has been very rewarding. If I do get started on something sweet, I usually have to dump it. This happened this morning with a box of Honey Nut Cheerios and also recently with cholate wafers left over from the last time I made fancy dipped pretzels.

[savtele]

Boker Tov All! My tendency is to eat when I'm upset. Also when I'm happy, celebrating, mourning, tired....there is almost NEVER a reason not to eat! So - I am, in fact, retraining myself. It has not been easy.

At the store there is always a big basket of candy on the counter "for the customers!" (since we who work there also shop there...) Also, the young man who works for Cowgirls Trading Co loves a good piece of chocolate, and we have spoiled him. At this time, I am just thrilled that Easter is over, and the good chocolate eggs are gone! (you know, the crunchy malted milk ones!) On Friday, my boss filled the basket with Twizzlers - I can ovoid those quite nicely!

If offered sweets or something salty, I will almost always pick the salty. In the evening, if we eat popcorn, we have started dusting it with chili powder & paprika - delicious, low sodium, and spicy enough that I stop when my lips pucker.

Another thing I am learning about myself: eating doesn't actually make me feel better. Then I feel bad about what I have eaten! Good trade-offs are hard to find. A cup of special tea is wonderful, but not always substantial enough. A cup of tea in a fine-china cup, cupped between my hands, looked at in the light, that's a better deal. (mindfulness - where have I heard that!) I have a large collection of tea-cups - probably collected for such a time as this! I can pick & choose, and appreciate each cup in turn.

As for dealing with family members - I have 1 brother and 1 sister who are Republican, & 1 each who are Democrat. And although the conversations are fraught with land-mines - we have managed quite nicely to be civil and to listen to each others' ideas & complaints. We are well aware that we will not change each others' perceptions - but we do know that it is important for us to listen to each other, to think before we talk, and to leave the name-calling & belittling out of it entirely. There's a fine line between a glass of wine for good fellowship, and the 3rd glass of wine when my BP starts to go up!

Yesterday was a bright sunshiny day, and I sat on my deck with a book, & a cup of coffee - it felt like a mini-vacation from winter! And today, just so I don't overdo & get an actual sunburn (my nose, forehead & cheeks are pink today) it's raining again.

Have a good day, ladies!

[peachymom1]

Good morning everyone!

When people aggravate me, it isn't food that I think of, it's usually words. Sometimes I have to take a few minutes and write down what I would REALLY like to say to that stupid !@#$%^&*+, then tear it up. This is when it's a person or situation when I can't really address the underlying issue, like a coworker or a stranger. With family members, I have spent many years working on how to deal with them. Some topics are off-limits with some of them; some people I simply refuse to spend time with, and when I'm stuck with them, I don't take anything they say seriously; and some people are simply so clueless (or narcissistic, or obtuse, or whatever) that there is no point even listening to them.

When I was much younger, I tried very hard to get along with family members who were hurtful and obnoxious, but I finally realized they are just not worth my time or effort. If they can't treat me with respect, I have no use for them, no matter how important they think they are. Blood and marriage don't give you a pass to be hateful. I'm done with them.

[happysavta]

Oh, dear, I'm sorry to tell you that I do both. I have used hateful, hurtful words (and I didn't write them down, I just launched nuclear missiles at innocent civilian targets) and then, because I felt so guilty about the awful things I said, I would dive into the sweets and carbs and drown.

So now, I take a slow breath before I speak and try not to be purely reactive, an eye for an eye, a snarl for a snarl, a slight for a slight. If I'm on the phone and I feel like I'm going to explode, I ask if we can discuss it later. Face to face irritation that makes me angry is harder, but I try to say something neutral like, "I don't know. I wouldn't call it that." Then I'll move away to somewhere private, my bedroom perhaps, where I can utter something under my breath like, "What a jerk!" When I calm down, I acknowledge that the jerk is my jerk; I birthed him or I married him, but he can't always be perfect like me. The key is to calm down as quickly as possible because when my brain is flooded by a strong emotion, I can't think rationally.

If I can restore my calm quickly, then I apologize for... not listening....or saying something snarky....or stomping out... or telling someone to get away from me.... or refusing to speak to him at all...or arguing about who is right (me) and who is wrong (you). Our psychologist encourages us to accept that each person has their own reality, their own feelings, and you can't tell them why it's wrong to see it that way or wrong to feel that way. Sometimes, in session, when DH says, "It's not true!" and wants to debate all the reasons why something I said is not so, the psychologist will say, "That is her truth." In other words, we have to drop the judgement, take the right and wrong out.

As to diving into the sweets and carbs seeking comfort (or relief from pain), I make great efforts not to have those sweets and carbs around me. Yes, I have been known to drive from donut shop to donut shop, but I never bring them into my home. Right now, as you know, I'm in a good spot, losing weight, and I'm trying to find what makes me feel good. Meditation? Tai Chi? Laughter Yoga? An hour in the pool? A book? Visiting with the grandkids? A phone call to an old friend? I used to be convinced that I had no choice, that I was compelled to either overeat or eat sweets/carbs, otherwise my body and my brain would explode into smithereens, but it's not true. I always have a choice. And if I can put up with a short period of discomfort, unease, until the feelings that are in an uproar settle down a bit, then I can make a better choice.

[gazelle18]

Just checking in, have been too busy today to get here. I will try to get back later and read and post.

[lee058]

Back again after a busy day doing household stuff. It feels good to sit down here and relax and see all of you. Very thoughtful and interesting posts! We are so different and yet so similar.

Have a peaceful evening/night, Lee

[hollygail]

Taught three classes today: 9 to noon, 1:30 to 4, 4:15 to 6pm. The second and third are finished for the current school year. I still have the Sunday morning (and Tuesday afternoon) class for another month. Looking forward to the end of the school year for that school too.

I eat dark chocolate when stressed. (Of course, I also eat dark chocolate when not stressed, but that's another story.) Sometimes when a situation is about to escalate, I literally walk away to prevent the escalation. That will happen only if it's before I'm too emotional to think clearly.

Lee, I'm looking forward to the rest of this week's conversation!

[momof2]

Hi all,
Yes, sometimes eating sweets and carbs help.
First of all, thank you to everyone who reminded me that my first priority is to myself, husband and kids. And traveling with 2 little ones requires 2 people. Last night DH and I shared some wine,
I became more at peace with the decision. Also, it was the Yom Hatzmaut celebration. DD knew a far amount of people there, but there were tons. She was over stimulated. Even after her nap, the afternoon, evening, she was very punchy. DH took over during bath time, so I wouldn't hurt myself. Experience is a great teacher, now if I have an over tired, over stimulated daughter and a baby, that trip would be insane. DH reminded me that my job is to maintain the house, making sure things are done and not too much chaos. How could I do that if I am over tired, or in pain from a trip? I think it would be better to meet my nephew without all the people. When my sister came for DS's bris, she drove my parents and a good family friend. Also, she left her daughter with her husband. Every situation is different. Thank you ladies. For now I am at peace with mine (unless she goes into labor early, but the party is always going to be on Memorial Day, as people have made plans.....the bris would be small then)
Sorry for venting.
Time to unload the dishwasher and pack DD's lunch.
Have a Marvelous Monday!