Jewish Musings, Sunday, October 29, 2023

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!

[peachymom1]

Good morning and shavua tov! Yesterday, I chanted the first four aliyot of Lech Lecha. This Torah portion is of particular significance to me because it introduces us to Abraham and Sarah, the father and mother of the Jewish tribe. There are lots of Jewish stories about Abraham and Sarah, but the Torah text itself doesn’t tell us anything about who they were until they were in their seventies. What I get from that is that you can create a meaningful identity at any point in your life, whenever you choose, and you can make a difference to a lot of people. Since I don’t have Jewish parents, my Hebrew name calls me the daughter of Abraham and Sarah, and I carry that name proudly. DH feels the same way.

I’ve belonged to a large congregation for over 40 years. I celebrated an adult bat mitzvah there in 1983 and have been reading Torah regularly ever since. I took two years of Hebrew in college and can speak pretty well, which is a great help in studying and chanting Torah. I’ve participated actively in the Jewish community for a long time. I got married at my beloved shul, and my kids were named there and became bnei mitzvah there. I’ve spent decades developing a strong Jewish identity and a wonderful feeling of belonging. However, although I have Israeli-American friends, I don’t know anyone personally who lives in Israel right now, and I’ve never been to Israel (yet). The importance of visiting Israel has been drummed into me since day one, and I’d love to go. But we could never afford much in the way of vacations of any kind, much less an expensive one out of the country, so that dream has been relegated to the back burner all these years, hopefully to be realized one day, but not yet.

Why am I telling you all this? Because yesterday, I had an experience after services that was extremely upsetting. After services, another congregant gave me a hearty “yasher koach!” on my Torah reading and asked when I’d last traveled to Israel, to which I responded that I hadn’t yet had the honor of visiting there. We’d sung “Hatikvah” during the service, and I mentioned that I always tear up when I sing it, and that I sing it loud and strong so I won’t choke up. I explained that I feel a strong connection to Israel even though I haven’t been there yet, and this congregant nodded his head in understanding and patted my arm.

Do you remember some time ago I told you about this rabbi who had shamed me in public once when I’d gone out of my way to learn a Torah reading on short notice for her minyan? Well, she was at my shul yesterday and was walking past us and overheard our exchange. She stopped, turned around, came right up to my face and exclaimed, “How dare you claim to feel a connection to Israel when you haven’t even gone there! What right do you have to claim any kind of belonging?” (I actually wrote down what she said when I got to my car, so I wouldn’t forget her exact words.) I was stunned and deeply offended, but I wasn’t about to give this narcissist oxygen thief the reaction she wanted. So I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Whatever, (first name)” (I purposely didn’t call her “rabbi”) and walked off, noting from the corner of my eye the horrified expression on the face of the gentleman I’d been talking to. I went to my car, wrote down what she’d said, drove a block and then pulled over and cried.

I know this woman is just a nasty excuse for a human being, but this was still very hurtful. The website JewBelong would call this “JewBarrassment.” Have you ever been “JewBarrassed” by another MOT? If so, is it something you can share with us?

Oh BTW, I did resist the urge to throw eggs at her house. I know her husband and would not want to cause him any more tsuris. He obviously gets enough of that being married to her!

[louise]

OMG Peachy. What a major stupid bytch! I am upset on several levels - that she said such a thing at all, that she is a member of the clergy and said such a thing, that she said such a thing to you because she hurt my friend, and that she said such a thing to you being the fine example of a learned Jewish mensch you are. Ptoo, ptoo (me spitting) on her.

On the subject I don't recall having a similar experience, Jewish or otherwise, but I am still vibrating over this for you. Would that I could make a voodoo doll to stick pins in. Is there a senior rabbi over her? Personally I think the board should know they have such a destructive individual in her capacity. ♥♥♥♥

[peachymom1]

Thank you for those kind words, Louise, it makes me feel better.

This rabbi isn't the shul's rabbi, thank God. She has no power or authority there. I see her from time to time and normally just pretend she's invisible. I couldn't this time.

I think I'll start practicing my eye-rolling skill and just give her a BAER if she opens her trap to me again.

[brgmsn]

I am furious for you. I would absolutely inform the rabbi and the president of the congregation, perhaps even, if you know the witch's email, include her on it, and tell them exactly what she said and did, including her physically intimidating you. Spread the word out. She cannot continue to be rude and bully people.

[peachymom1]

You know, it never occurred to me that this woman might be bullying other people. I thought it was just me she targeted. I think I will talk to the rabbi about this. See, that's why I need to talk to you all about these things - it's very helpful to get other people's perspectives. Thank you!

[hollygail]

I'm with Beryl.

I'd report her to every possible outlet I could find and copy the world. Here in San Diego there's a group called SDRA (the local rabbis call it "sidra"), the San Diego Rabbi's Council (or maybe it's "Rabbinical"?) It's open to all rabbis in the county (although I believe few if any Orthodox rabbis belong; I assume because there are non-Orthodox rabbis who happen to be female who do belong). I'd go to such an organization, if one exists anywhere in LA County, with the report Beryl recommends in addition to my own rabbi and the people who employ this particular individual, and, knowing myself as well as I do, I'd probably also copy other congregations in her movement (that is, if she's a Conservative rabbi, I'd copy the rabbis of all the other Conservative congregations in the county, if I could find all of them). You could also mention that it isn't the first time she pulled b.s. (and I, again knowing me, would include the specifics about the time she gave you very little notice and you studied your ass off to read Torah for her minyan and she had the chutzpah to shame you, and in public! (I know you're more polite than I am, so you may not want to go anywhere near as far as I would, and I wouldn't hold it against you if you showed more restraint than I would). (I'm also the kind of person who would have responded a smidgeon louder than she spoke that she had no right to speak to me that way and instead of using her first name, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd have called her a bully in just as loud a voice. And then turned my back to her and let other people see the disgust on my face as I walked away from her.

To answer the question, no, I don't remember a time I was shamed by a MOT for not doing what that person expected from me (or for doing something the person didn't expect). It's possible it may have happened, but I tend to put such nonsense out of my head as soon as possible. What's that expression... "I don't take shit from no one"? "anyone"? does it go something like that?

[gazelle18]

This is appalling , Peachy! I’m with everyone else on this!! What a horrible excuse for a human being. I cannot believe she is a member of the clergy.

I recall being shamed as a young girl by more religious members of my extended family. It was criticism directed at my I’m,Ed I ate family, not me, but it was quite hurtful.

[lee058]

Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

Re today's topic: peachymom1, I'm SO sorry you went through this. It just proves that some people, no matter what their position or rank might be, are jerks (please substitute whatever negative word you feel is more appropriate). Ugh, how can some people be so stupid and cruel?

I was bullied horribly when I was a kid, and almost all of the perpetrators were Jewish. For a long time, that made me feel negative about God, being Jewish, and going to services. Strong words, but true. It took years for me to realize that what had happened was due to who THEY were, and NOT our religion.

I haven't been to Israel either, yet I also feel a strong connection. Here in NOVA, there have been protests against Israel and Jews, and it makes me feel sick. And this is supposed to be a liberal area! What really upsets me are the Jewish teenagers who claim solidarity with the Palestinians. There was a big article in the Washington Post today about it.

I better stop now before I get more furious or sad. This really bothers me.

Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee