Jewish Musings, Monday, December 4, 2023

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!

[peachymom1]

Good morning! Today I’ll tell you about the other son’s recent conversation with us. DS33 (and his fiancée) met with a financial planner recently and wanted to talk to us about future needs and arrangements, including possible financial needs, that DH and I might have as we age. He mentioned examples like setting aside extra money for special care for us, and considering extra rooms in any home they might buy. He also mentioned scenarios where we might need temporary help, like if DH and/or I took a fall or had health problems at the same time. He didn’t want to be nosy about what we have in the way of resources, nor controlling about our choices, nor manipulative about anything. His focus was on what he could do to help us if/when we need it. He was concerned and respectful and wanted to be a good planner.

I was overwhelmed by his love and sincerity. DH and I don’t want to burden our kids or make assumptions about where or when we might be welcome. But DS33 brought up a few possibilities and scenarios, and he said, “Since we have a good relationship, I think we would be able to get along well if you ever wanted or needed to move in with us.” DH was so touched that he teared up and couldn’t speak. I spoke up and told DS33 that he was a good son and that we really appreciated his thoughtfulness. DH found his voice, and then we all talked at some length about our ideas and visions, etc.

We’ve talked openly to all our kids about things like what to do when we die, wills and financial arrangements and such, but this was the first time one of them brought up practical arrangements while we’re still around. I thought it was wonderful. My parents would never talk about things like this, and if I’d asked, they would have told me to butt out and mind my own business. I don’t know what other families do about subjects like this, so here I am to ask you.

If you would like to share it with us, how often do you talk to your kids about your future plans and needs? Or maybe you don’t at all? When did you first start? How do you feel about your independence versus their willingness to take care of you or at least help you?

I hope we never have to rely on our kids to house us or take care of us, but it feels very good to know we have options.

[hollygail]

I rarely talk with DS about my plans regarding my aging. I have mentioned some things about finances. When his father died, he took charge of the situation. He made arrangements for the body, he found the place his father wanted his ashes scattered, and he made arrangements to get there (I know this last part because he charged part of the transportation to my credit card, about which I never said anything to him). I will probably have to talk with him about DH's aging, which itself is beginning to change. DS lives in southern Oregon and as you all know I live in southern California, so we don't live close to each other; most of our communication takes place online, and it's not every week (although I'd prefer it to be). He works different hours some weeks, so we arrange video chats according to his schedule as well as my own.

I commend you, Peachy, on having raised such thoughtful and responsible children.

[brgmsn]

Funny you bring this up Peachy. We just, last week, had our wills done, including our final wishes. When my father died, my mother took care of the arrangements (except I had to do the whole funeral thing) but had no idea about any of their finances or bills. It was a nightmare. She had my brother as POA financially and me as her POA for their medical issues. They had my sister as nothing since she lives far away from them. I was here with my mother when she moved up here a few years ago and dealt with everything, yet knew nothing about her finances. Then she died, and I was her executrix. Still knowing NOTHING about her finances.It took months to figure everything out. My brother had not kept up well with thing and I spent hours and hours tracing old policies and banks and accounts.
To make a point here, we made our wills very specific. What we want done and not done. How things are divided up. If anyone contests anything they are to be given $1, (I love that part!). Eldest daughter Jordyn is head of everything with DS assisting if needed. DD2 will go along with what she decides.
But it took us this long to do it but I'm glad we finally did.

[louise]

Peachy what an amazing story - and what an amazing son! I think it's very unusal to be as forward think as he is. I would think that maybe 20 years from now he would start worrying about it, which is not at all the same thing as proactively offering and planning! Majow WOW!. I am worried about who will be able to help me. I'm hopi ng that the money from my mother's apartment will be enough to get me through whatver my needs will be. Physical support - dunno!

A friend get an email about people goi ng to help in Israel for a week. Started thinking about that.

[lee058]

Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

Re today's topic: I don't know what we're going to do in the future. Hopefully our health won't get worse, and we'll have enough money to get by.

Have a peaceful day, Lee