Jewish Musings, Sunday, January 7, 2024

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!

[peachymom1]

Good morning and shavua tov! Yesterday was National Cuddle-Up Day, National Technology Day, and National Shortbread Day. What a wonderful combination! I could cuddle up with my kitty on my lap, playing Scrabble on my phone while eating some shortbread cookies. That sounds pretty much like heaven to me!

With my son’s wedding coming up next month, it’s not surprising that I am thinking about love and marriage a lot these days. Both my parents were married twice. Two of my sisters have been married twice. The other sister has never been married at all, and not for lack of opportunity; she’s beautiful, smart, talented, and an educated professional. She’s had more boyfriends than anyone I’ve ever known, and she still gets a fair share of attention from men. Ironically, she’s a marriage and family therapist and helps a lot of other people be successful in their relationships. And she will tell you herself that she’s never been married because she’s afraid a husband would abandon her, like our father abandoned us.

I have two close friends from childhood who also have never married. One of them has had several long-term relationships, and it surprised me that she never married, but I’m glad she didn’t, because I didn’t think any of these guys were good marriage material. The other friend was engaged once, but her fiancé broke their engagement, and she hasn’t been serious with anyone since. I think both of these women would make good partners, but I certainly don’t think they have to be married to be happy. Both of them have told me that even now, they still get judgment for never having married.

Do you think our society has changed its view about women needing to get married? Who do you think gets more judgment, women who get divorced or women who never marry at all? What do you think we as a society can or should do in order to remove stigma from women regarding their marital status? Jewish tradition has always favored marriage – do you think that should change, or not? Do you think marriage will become more or less popular in the future?

[hollygail]

It seems to me that long-term relationships that never develop into marriage (or don't until a VERY long time) are more common than ever. My son and daughter-in-law were together for more than ten years before they married (easy to remember; their almost-10-year-old son was at the wedding).

I'm no longer in the corporate world. I do remember knowing several never-married women in the corporate world and don't remember any negative judgment about them for never having been married. At the same time, I don't remember any negative judgment about any of the divorced women either. Maybe because I was in circles of people who didn't express such judgment? Who knows...

Looking forward to learning what the rest of you have to say on this topic.

[lee058]

Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

Re today's topic: DH and I were together for a few years, broke up for a year, then got back together and I moved halfway across the country to be with him. After that, we lived together for a year before getting married. His parents were unhappy about that. At any rate, we've been married since 1987 and DS was born in 1993. I had a miscarriage a few years later, unfortunately, and that changed everything about our marriage. Things were never the same afterwards. I don't really want to talk about it; it still hurts.

Personally, what bothers me is people having kids without being married. I just think it is unfair to the kids from a legal standpoint, and to the woman, especially if she isn't earning much money.

Do I see marriage getting less popular? Yes, and with that there is much less commitment for couples to stay together.

What does this have to do with Judaism, and the ideals of our youth about "happy ever after"? Everything. As people get less religious, they have fewer reasons to get married, in my opinion. As for spirituality, there are some good things about people waiting to commit themselves; they are less likely (especially women) to try and find happiness based on another person. This has undoubtedly saved some people from unhappy marriages (please note that I said "some"; it has also kept other people from committing themselves because of mistaken feelings of needing to not settle down. However, it all depends on the people involved.).

In other words, it can be a good thing that people don't commit themselves to the wrong person, but it can also be a sorrow that people can't find the right person who is willing to commit his/herself!

Hope this muddle makes sense to people.

Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee

[louise]

My nephew and the woman he has been n a realtionship - I think of her as his wife - own their home together and have a lovely 15 year old daughter together. I don't know why they don't marry but their relationship is enduring and their daughter is conortable and secure. I really can't say what works and what doesn't/ My XBFF has been with her partner for close to 20 years - they have a better realtionship than many I know wo are married - he doesn't want t get married again but she very much wants to be maried. hat would it change forher? I don't know exactly. They want for commited relation documentation (I forget what that's called - domestic partners?) so they would have some legal protecions as a couple. For myself, it would be ie to be with someone but I dn't feel incomplete. - that is a change from the way we thought a few dacades back.

I went to an author brunch this morning with Rabbi Michael Strassfeld - some of you may have his Jewish Catalog from the 70's (I do). His new book is Judaism Disrupted: A Spiritual Manifesto for the 21st Century. Maybe I will read it on the plane - it's small enough to pack. Hard to believe that I am leaving for Israel in a few hours! I made myself a bagel sandwich for the airport so I'm fortified for my trip by that brunch in multuiple ways!