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Post by hollygail on Mar 25, 2024 7:35:39 GMT -5
What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.
Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy
And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!
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Post by hollygail on Mar 25, 2024 7:56:24 GMT -5
I went to shul yesterday morning to hear the megillah reading. I wore a black caftan with white embroidery, black tights and a white scarf on my head covering most of my face. When I walked into the chapel, I saw surprise on many faces; one face had more like "fear" on it. Only one man grinned at me (he may have remembered one other time I dressed as Vashti and was called to Torah as "the Arab woman"). I'm usually gabbai rishon but wasn't prepared so I offered it to a young woman who (in the past) was learning how to be a gabbai (and I caught her one Saturday morning as gabbai rishon). She called up to Torah only women and I was one of them (she used our first names; she said "Holly?" as in asking each of us whether we would accept the honor). As I walked up to the shulchan (the Torah reading table; there's no "bimah" per se in the chapel), the rabbi started chanting some Arabic as if calling me up using some Arabic name (he sometimes thinks he's a comedian) and I gave him a withering stare (which worked immediately; he stopped dead in his tracks) and declared out loud for everyone to hear, "I'm Vashti, haMalkah!" (Vashti, the Queen!) which he accepted as another joke (judging by the accepting look on his face). (It sounds bad as I'm reading what I wrote, but trust me, ladies, the whole thing was in jest and he knows I hold my own when he jokes and puns.)
I came home, tutored one man (who's learning how to chant Torah) and one bar mitzvah boy (who needs a minor miracle to be ready in 5 weeks) and DH and I watched movies we'd recorded on TV for the rest of the day.
But I'm still in the Purim "jokes" mood. What do you all think of our posting some of your favorite Jewish jokes? Here's a sample:
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The pope is sitting in his offices in the Vatican when he hears a commotion going on outside his window. He sends one of his priests to find out what's going on. A few minutes later, the priest returns.
"So, what's happening down there?" asks the pope.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," says the priest.
"OK," says the pope, "let's have the good news first."
"Well," began the priest, "it seems that our Lord and Savior has returned."
"What?!" exclaimed the pope. "That's not good news — that's fantastic news! It's amazing! It's the best possible news ever! What could the bad news possibly be?"
"Well," the priest said hesitantly, "he has yahrtzeit and is looking for a tenth for a minyan so he can say kaddish."
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi decided that in order to build ecumenical spirit in the community they should spend time together each Thursday.
One Thursday they decided to walk a nature trail and have a picnic. They stopped in a secluded spot near a wide shallow stream and enjoyed their repast.
It was a hot day so they decided to go skinny dipping to cool off. They dropped their clothes and ran into the water.
Just as they were getting out of the water the women’s groups from their various congregations, also building ecumenism, happened upon them.
Quickly and out of modesty, the priest and the minister used their hands to cover their “packages.” The rabbi, however, covered his face.
The women passed by without comment and the men quickly began to dress. While dressing the priest and the pastor asked the rabbi, “when the women came by we covered our packages so the women wouldn’t see them, but you covered your face. Why?”
The rabbi responded, “look guys, I don’t know what you’re doing in your congregations, but in my congregation the women were much more likely to recognize my face.”
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Two Hasidim go to Pinchas the tailor to get some new black suits. After they're done, they go out of the dark shop wearing their new suits, but in the sunlight it looks like the cloth isn't actually black — it's very dark blue!
Moishe says to Yitzchak, "I think he's cheated us. This suit doesn't look black to me."
"No, it's black. He said it was black, so it's black. Must be a trick of the light."
"You see those nuns walking toward us? When they pass us, I'll hold my sleeve up against one of their habits and we can see if they're the same color"
When the men and the women pass each other, Moishe holds his sleeve up next to the black habit of the younger nun, and sure enough, it's definitely blue. He turns to Yitzhak and makes a remark.
The newer nun says to the senior nun she's with to ask, "Is your Latin better than mine? I didn't understand what he just said to his friend."
The older woman, who has been studying Latin most of her life, agrees and asks what the man said. The newer nun reports what she heard: “Pinkus fuktus.”
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Your turn.
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lee058
This space for rent
Posts: 22,098 
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Post by lee058 on Mar 25, 2024 9:11:55 GMT -5
Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.
Re today's topic: Sorry, no Purim jokes here.
My friend Carol is coming over to play Scrabble. DS and I are going to surprise her with a birthday cake and a card he drew with her picture on it. I think she'll like them both. I enjoy giving people surprise gifts!
Have a peaceful day, Lee
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Post by louise on Mar 25, 2024 9:27:48 GMT -5
Very cute jokes.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to make a speech saying the entire Jewish people stands behind the new bulb.
Two men, a Jew and a Gentile, were marooned on a desert island. The Gentile immediately got to work, dragging rocks to spell out “SOS” in huge letters on the beach, gathering driftwood to build a bonfire, and thinking about ways to build a boat.
The Jew, however, merely sat on the beach and waited.
"What’s the matter with you?” the Gentile exclaimed. “Don’t you want to be rescued?”
The Jew said calmly, “Look, I live in a city with a big Jewish Federation. Last year, I donated a million dollars to them. The year before, I donated a million dollars to them. This year, wherever I am, they’ll find me!”
Her's another one - I have colonoscopy prep today. Very funny.
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Post by gazelle18 on Mar 25, 2024 9:36:50 GMT -5
I love the jokes, Holly! Especially the one about Pinchas the tailor!
On Saturday evening, we had a dear friend who threw a birthday party for herself. The attire was “nice casual,” and all of the guests looked very nice and casual. Many were Jewish, but sort of ignoring Purim. It was a very fun party, but got even better as the shul goers started to drift in about 10 pm. They were all dressed in costume for Purim, and it was hysterical.
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Post by peachymom1 on Mar 25, 2024 9:39:59 GMT -5
LOL! I hadn't heard either of these before. What a wonderful way to start the day! Here are some more:
A temple has a mouse problem, so the rabbi calls up another rabbi and asks : " Have you ever had any mice" the other rabbi responds in the affirmative. The first rabbi asks, "How did you get rid of them?" The other rabbi says " Here's what you do: First you print up tiny Torahs, second: You teach them Hebrew. Third: You have them all Bar and Bat Mitzvah and then you'll never see them again."
Two bumblebees were siting on a leaf in the middle of a rain storm. Bee 1 buzzes, " I 'm gonna die. It's been so cold and wet all the flowers are closed up. I can't make honey. It's all over." Bee 2 buzzes back,"You're not gonna die. Fly two blocks down. On you're right is a synagogue. It's the Feldman bar mitzvah today. Fly on in. The chapel is full of fresh cut flowers. You'll make some honey." Two hours later both bees are back on the same leaf. Bee 2 asks, " So..did you find it?" Bee 1 replies, "Yes! And it was even better than you described. I made enough honey for a week." Bee 2 asks, " Great! But what's that on your head." Bee 1 replies, "That's my kippah. I didn't want the guests to think I was a wasp."
Who was the best businesswoman in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter - she pulled a profit out of the water!
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