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Post by peachymom1 on May 25, 2024 23:52:32 GMT -5
What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.
Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy
And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!
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Post by peachymom1 on May 25, 2024 23:56:35 GMT -5
Good morning and shavua tov!
As I mentioned in our last Zoom call, I know a young couple who are expecting their first child in July, after three miscarriages and IVF. I’ve known the husband since he was a boy, but I’ve gotten close to the wife since they got married, to my delight. Both husband and wife are already frustrated and chagrinned that the husband’s mother is expressing strong opinions about how the grandchild should be delivered / raised / supported. They are practicing setting boundaries with Grandma-to-Be and are only half-jokingly considering moving across the country to get away from her. I know Grandma-to-Be, and believe me, they have their work cut out for them. I’ve never liked this woman; she’s intrusive, pushy, obnoxious and callous. She’s very much like my own MIL was. The expectant mom has always been respectful and accommodating to her MIL, but she confided to me that she’s almost out of patience and feels she is soon going to lose her filter completely.
Why are mothers-in-law so stereotypically controlling of their sons and so unaccepting of their daughters-in-law’s boundaries? My MIL totally ignored our boundaries and hated that she couldn’t control me OR her son. Then she’d get mad that we put distance between us and wouldn’t let her control our kids either. I’ve told both my daughters-in-law that if I ever turn into a monster-in-law, they have my full permission to knock some sense into me, using whatever method works. I don’t ever want to make my DILs feel uncomfortable or unwelcome or anything other than completely, unconditionally loved and accepted.
Here are some various opinions I’ve come across. Do any of them make sense to you?
1. MILs consider themselves their sons’ #1 lady and don’t want to give that role up.
2. MILs think they know best about marriage and motherhood because they have more experience.
3. MILs with unfulfilling marriages use their sons as substitutes for their husbands and become jealous when their sons choose other women as partners.
4. They aren’t evil because they are mothers-in-law. They are just evil people who happen to have children who get married.
Regardless of why some MILs are like this, do you think they can change? Can they learn to respect boundaries? Is this just a conundrum of life? What are your thoughts on this?
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Post by louise on May 26, 2024 8:40:48 GMT -5
What an awful situstion for your friends! Maybe they just have to say if you want to see the baby you have to behave?
I have mentioned before that my MIL wore an ivory lace gown to our wedding. I really don't know if she knew that was "incorrect" but she never really got in our way - then again we didn't last that long. My brother's wife never liked my mother, so they had the reverse problem. I think it was she who was jealous and needed to assert herself as the boss over him or whatever. She was the source of much pain for my other. Dunno.
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lee058
This space for rent
Posts: 23,233 
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Post by lee058 on May 26, 2024 9:50:49 GMT -5
Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel. Re today's topic: I didn't get along with my MIL until the very end of her life. I'm sorry about that; I really wanted her to love me and for us to be close. hollygail I need a zoom address; please email me. Thanks! Have a peaceful day, Lee |
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Post by peachymom1 on May 26, 2024 12:03:30 GMT -5
Are we Zooming at 10 a.m. Pacific? Holly hasn't signed in yet. Or maybe I have the day or time or link wrong. :+(
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Post by hollygail on May 26, 2024 13:48:43 GMT -5
How good it was too see three of you this morning on Zoom! I was late opening the Zoom room, but you three managed to get there. And DH is still in the bathtub (he's stuck and I'm not strong enough to lift him...).
I'm not the type of MIL who intrudes. My DM wasn't either. I imagine some of her rubbed off on me in that department. I once said something to a grandchild and DS spoke harshly to me about it. I was very hurt at the moment, but kept quiet and thought about it. I wound up explaining why I'd said what I did and that he was right, I had no right to correct her. And I never did it again.
My first MIL was no prize package, but she didn't interfere in our lives (DH#1 is the one who died from cancer). My second MIL was a doll; I really liked her a lot and she preferred me to her son's previous wife (DH#2 died from the second heart attack while in the hospital for his first one). My third MIL (I divorced him) was always pleasant to me, and she stayed well out of our way. DH's mother died 6 months before I met him, so I don't have one in my current marriage.
DH is still moaning. I better go check on him again.
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