Jewish Musings, Tuesday, August 6, 2024

[peachymom1]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:

Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!

[peachymom1]

Hello everyone, it’s actually still Monday night for me. It’s been a heck of a long day. We got up at 4 a.m. to pick up my sister and take her to the airport, then we had breakfast while we were out, and I made it to my desk right on time at 7 a.m.

Here’s the scoop with my sister. DS came to California from Kentucky to house/cat-sit for a mutual friend that DS and I (and my DH) have known since high school. This friend went to Canada to inter her mother’s ashes and have a memorial service there with all her cousins. DF’s cat is a senior citizen kitty who freaks out when boarded at the vet’s kitty hotel, so our friend wanted someone she could trust to stay at her house while she’s out of the country. She thought DS would love a free vacation to California, and indeed, DS was over the moon about the idea and made all kinds of plans with me for her time here. DS and DF agreed on how much DF would pay DS, in addition to paying for her airfare, and everything was scheduled and put into place.

The first thing that went wrong is that DS didn’t tell DF that she wanted to fly into Burbank rather than LAX, so DF booked her into LAX, which is considerably less expensive than flying into Burbank. Burbank is a much smaller airport and much less intimidating than LAX. But good grief, DS is a grown woman and should be able to deal with an airport, especially since DF booked her on nonstop flights so she wouldn’t have the added stress of changing planes. OK fine, I helped DS change her flights and paid the difference in fare (over $300) as a favor and gift to my sister, since I was excited to have a chance to spend a lot of time with her during her stay. This sister and I are closer to each other than we are to the other two sisters, and we talk on the phone at least twice a week. And I admit that it’s much easier for us to shlep her to and from Burbank than LAX, so there was some benefit to me in changing her flights.

Then there’s the matter of a rental car. DS decided to rent a car for just the first week here, so she could meet up with old friends, drive to the beach, and just generally have the freedom of doing whatever she wanted to. So she made a reservation and asked us to take her to the rental car location to pick it up the day after she arrived – she didn’t want to rent it at the airport because she only planned to have it for a week and didn’t want to have to shlep all the way to the airport to return it. I get it. But she didn’t bring a credit card with her, only a debit card, which they don’t accept. So we had to change the reservation to make me the primary driver and her the secondary driver, so I could use my credit card. They said that they would only place a hold for the amount on my credit card, and that when we brought the car back, DS could pay the total with her debit card, and they’d release the hold on my credit card. OK, no problem, I have room on my card for the hold, and she’d be paying for it at the end of the week.

DS and I did go out for lunch one day that she was here, with another mutual friend of ours, and we had a wonderful time. But she turned me down for lunch and dinner every successive day she was here. She flaked out on coming to bffs’ house for Shabbat dinner (much to their disappointment – they love her), and flaked on coming to shul with me, after she had made a big fuss about wanting to see/hear me read Torah in the synagogue. Yesterday (Sunday), after being here for just a week, she decided she was uncomfortable being away from home and wanted to go home. She talked to our friend in Canada, who called me to ask if DH and I could take over with the house duties/cat sitting, which we agreed to do. Then I helped DS change her flight yet again (another $300+) for the next day (today, Monday). She picked a godawful early flight so her DH wouldn’t be up too late picking her up, not thinking about the inconvenience to DH and me. And no, she couldn’t take an Uber to the airport instead, because she doesn’t have a credit card with her, plus she feels uncomfortable riding with a stranger. Sigh!

So now, DH and I have to go to our friend’s house every day to bring in the mail and newspaper, feed the cat and clean his litter box, and water the front and back lawns. It’s 100 degrees here, so we can’t go water the lawn during the day, when the traffic is reasonable. We could just stay at the house for a few days, or even the whole rest of the time until DF comes home. That would work for me, since I can bring my work laptop and just work there, but it wouldn’t work for DH, since he needs to use his desktop computer (he doesn’t have a laptop) for job hunting and such. We’ll figure it out, but it’s darn inconvenient. We certainly wouldn’t leave our friend in the lurch though.

DF paid DS half of their agreed-upon payment up front and was going to give her the other half at the end of the three weeks. So DS was counting on the second half of the money to reimburse me for the rental car, and she spent most of the first half, on God-knows-what. She is a recovering addict, and I fear that she bought drugs with the money. That might be why she wanted to go home early – maybe she was afraid of the police too. Anyway, she doesn’t have the money now to pay me for the car rental, and she’s not getting the other half now (I am), so we’ll have to work out a payment plan, which will take forever. Another irritation.

So what exactly am I even feeling about all this? I’m disappointed and resentful. I know she’s an addict, I know how addicts behave, I do my best to forgive her and not enable her, but this has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have to keep reminding myself not to have expectations. But it’s hard.

So thank you for listening to me, and if you have any observations or words of wisdom, I would be grateful to hear them.

[gazelle18]

Wow. If it had happened to me, I would be angry, resentful and hurt. Your sister’s actions are inexplicable. Perhaps, as you say, the only explanation that makes sense is a relapse. I’m sorry you are left to pick up the pieces.

[louise]

I don't have words of wisdom - still tying to get my dropped jaw back in place. Obviously since you speak to DS regularly there was no sign that she was on the edge but this behavior clearly shows that she was. Maybe being away from home triggered something but it happened right away so I don't get it. Maybe past associations with where she was visiting? Being alone someplece unfamiliar? It seems like more than just being somewhere away from home. I thought you were overly generous just paying the first $300 to change airports, let alone all the rest. You so went out of your way to make things work for her and she was irresponsible and inconsiderate all the way. I'm so sorry you went through this. Besides the general incovenience of it all now and for the next few weeks there's the emotional fallout with your sister both for her sake (what is happening with her) and for your sake (what is happening with the relationship, etc.). Does the DF know yet what happened? And the fact that DF (and you) went with someone she trusted....Oh, Peachy. What a difficult and troubling story!

[brgmsn]

Oh peachymom1, I am furious on your behalf. Not only did you give of your money, you gave your time, your driving, your planning, and now you have to cover what she promised to do. I don't see this as addict behavior. I see it as selfish, self absorbed, spoiled behavior. She's used to people doing for her for whatever reason, and feels she has the right to impose on them for whatever she needs. And my guess is, she won't see any of it as being "her fault" if confronted with it.
Sorry, I'd keep to phone calls, occasionally, from now on.

[hollygail]

I'm flabbergasted. I was surprised about the "relapse" regarding her addiction. I, not unlike Beryl, seem not to be able to jump to the same conclusion although my feelings aren't quite like Beryl's. I keep thinking about how lucky I must be to have the sister I have. We are close and get along really well on every difference we have. I'm so sorry you had this series of terrible experiences with your own sister, Peachy. Yuck and double yuck...

[peachymom1]

Thank you, all of you, I really appreciate your support. I feel better after reading your posts.

DS did apologize and thank me for everything, so that's something. And it's been years since I did any in-depth study about addiction, so I just got a book on my Kindle called "Understanding and Helping an Addict (and keeping your sanity)" by Andrew Proulx. I'm still in the introduction, and already I think he's amazing.

The good news is that I DIDN'T OVEREAT during all this meshugas. I did have some ice cream last night, but I had the points for it, and I didn't overdo it.

[lee058]

Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

Re today's topic: Peachy, you are amazing. I would have probably said something I would have regretted.

Have a peaceful rest of the day, Lee

[peachymom1]

You are all awesome, have I told you that lately???