Jewish Musings, Sunday August 25

[louise]

What’s on your mind — how to make kugel? This week’s Torah reading? Life goals? Prayer? We are all engaged in weight loss/weight maintenance journeys and we are all Jewish or at least interested in Judaism. We like to eat, we like to discuss. It is our goal here to provide each other support on our journeys, to share experiences, to call on our rich cultural heritage and texts, and to help each other grow spiritually.

Some of us take weekly turns starting the thread:
Frieda (hopefully)?
Holly
Lee
Louise
Lynne
Peachy

And for those of you that stop by to read this thread without posting — you are welcome to, but you are also welcome to chime in. Don’t be shy!

[louise]

Not even sure how to explain this.

I think I have mentioned before there is a troublesome woman in my congregation who has caused me/us grief a number of times. We couldn’t please her back during covid. It took considerable effort on my part to be civil to her back then but I maintained my ritual chair professionalism and always greeted her and her family in a congenial manner. I even went out of my way to make amends in that HHD season, which for me was explaining yet again that our policies were for the good of most of the congregation and that I was sorry she felt we had slighted her family and how much we valued them (oh please).

Well the current problem has been since 10/7. They are anti-Zionists and she led a pro-Palestine rally in front of our city hall. Our rabbi was very careful not to take sides but did advise the congregation that if they wanted to attend but did not agree to stay on the other side of the street, not to confront, etc. I don’t remember the details but she took great offense and maintains she was disrespected by the rabbi. She trashed him on FB and to various congregants (including at our table at a street fair). For several months she stopped coming. For some period their 11 year old daughter was coming by herself because she missed us. We embraced her. She has started coming with her family again and I go out of my way to be civil to her and treat the whole family like there is nothing wrong. She won’t make eye contact with the rabbi, won’t speak to him, and leaves when he delivers the d’var torah – like there’s nothing she could learn from him. This past shabbat (when she asked) I assigned her hagbah (lifting the torah, which she loves to do). During kiddush my rabbi took me aside in his office. Apparently his wife asked him why we give honors to someone who dishonors him. He told me that halachically someone who leads a service (by extension, I guess, given an honor) should not be someone offensive to the congregation. I had (not completely successfully) to fight back tears. I tried so hard to treat her the way I felt he had sanctioned previously. Now I have to do otherwise or, again by extension, I feel I dishonor him. I have done a little research and I did find corroboration that a service leader should be in good standing with the congregation (many are opposed to her behavior).

I am going to wind up in a confrontation with her.
Looking forward to your responses.

[peachymom1]

Ugh, Louise, you are in a tough spot. I think you have behaved incredibly honorably, conscientiously and lovingly, in the face of a really difficult, recurring set of circumstances. It sounds like all you can do is not give this woman any more honors. Would she have the chutzpah to demand an explanation? Do you feel comfortable telling her she doesn't get special honors when she's dissing the rabbi?

I volunteer to kick this person to Jupiter for you. Lemme at 'er!

[hollygail]

I can appreciate Peachy's offer!

I understand both sides; that is, yours and the rabbi's. There's one woman I deal with who's always been nice to me but apparently talks trash about quite a few people to many others. Also, she talks louder than necessary during weekday morning services (she's been coming more regularly lately than previously) and often I find that level of noise disturbs my concentration but I haven't said anything to her about it (okay, sometimes I just go "sshhhhhh" in general, but I doubt she hears it). Anyway, I gave her the honor (I'm gabbai rishon weekdays) of opening the ark a few times (and she didn't do a good job; late to arrive at the beginning of the Torah service and closing the ark too soon at the return of the scroll to the ark) and one time I just walked up and did it myself. I approached a friend of hers to ask whether something was going on with her. It turns out she'd complained to him that the only Torah honor she ever receives on Shabbat mornings is to open the ark. So I made it my business to offer her an aliyah one day; she thanked me more than once. I offered her another one another day so it wouldn't look like a "one and done" type of thing. And I had offered her ark opener before that because she shows up to make a minyan (which we don't get all the time). So I know louise, exactly why you gave her honors.

Now I have to wonder whether her talking too loud is because she has a hearing problem and doesn't know how loud she is or whether she doesn't care which I interpret as being disrespectful of the rest of us. And if I lean toward the latter, do I tell her friend why I'm stopping offering honors?

I too understand your dilemma, Louise. Now I have a similar one, although yours seems much worse than mine. I really don't give a rat's patoot whether she badmouths me; I don't feel the way about the local congregation the way you feel about your own congregation. Yes, I have a membership in the local shul too, but it's not what I'd consider a "full" membership; it's like a "friend of the congregation"-type of membership and I didn't renew it in 5784 (because I wasn't happy with some of the changes made) although I did for 5785 when things changed for the better (in my opinion). If people turn against me, I won't renew a year from now; I really don't care as it's my weekday shul only. The rabbi just hired has known me for between five and ten years and knows where my heart is and I don't believe he'll believe negative gossip about me.

[gazelle18]

Oh Louise, I’m sorry to hear about this ! It sounds to me like a microcosm of what is happening to Jewry across the US. There is a division on the Palestine/Zionist issue, and everything becomes about THAT. It sounds like your rabbi is trying to be reasonable, and his advice to other congregants to “not confront” was sage. That this woman took offense to his remark was wrong. Her boycott of the rabbi’s sermons is inappropriate. I understand why your rabbi asked you to no longer give her honors. At the same time, I understand why you had previously chosen to specifically give her honors.

At this point, my input would be to honor your rabbis request. (Upon reflection and research, you don’t disagree with him.) Continue to be polite. If she confronts you about why she never receives honors, I think you should tell her the truth: Your rabbi feels disrespected by her (not by her political stance but by her active signs of disrespect), and believes it is inappropriate to give her honors. Don’t let the rabbi hide behind your “skirts.” He made the request; it’s a request you understand and are willing to comply with, AND it was his request.

[lee058]

Good afternoon everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

Re today's topic: I would be tempted to tell that woman off, and I am generally not a confrontational person.

Have a peaceful day, Lee

[brgmsn]

louise, you are a VOLUNTEER, not a paid synagogue employee. I don't feel it is your job to tell her anything. I feel it's the Rabbi's job to do that. Just my 2 cents. I had a mentally ill woman when I was ritual and choir chair at our synagogue (and again our positions were not lifetime appointments but limited) who insisted on being given honors and threw literal temper tantrums when was not given them. I mean, threw chairs. Had to be escorted out. Talked about my children. Called me on the phone and harassed me. I called my rabbi up, said I was NOT dealing with her, that I would call the police if he didn't deal, and it was over. Done.
Not your job. Don't take it on. I'd also suggest someone get you a co-chair.