Jewish musings, Sunday Sept 1

[gazelle18]

Hi everyone, I’m traveling , so skipping the usual opening. Be back later with a topic! 

[gazelle18]

The other day, I saw a lady about my age. She was wearing a great outfit and her figure was trim. Fabulous shoes. Lovely smile. Etc., etc. Of course , I immediately started to compare myself to her. Why could I not look just as trim and “put-together”?

Then I reminded myself that I had recently come across this one-liner: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I pretty much shut my inner critic down with that.

What times in your life could this sentence about comparisons help you out? Any stories about being jealous of peers?

[louise]

There's a heavy woman in synagogue and I keep wanting to ask one of my friends if I look like her. I want to hear "No, you're not that fat." How does that help? Or what if the answer is "yes"? I was intimidated/envious of a salesperson that was young, thin, and had straight blond hair. I had more experience, gravitas, and lots of other powerful stuff that I lost track of in her presence.

[hollygail]

When I lived in Amsterdam, I lived in student housing. There were 14 rooms on the floor I was on; 13 had a student (okay, including me), not a student) and the 14th room was a communal kitchen and living room. One day I was in the kitchen preparing a meal and several of the students were in the living room watching TV. A commercial came on for Uncle Ben's rice. There was a jingle and I heard the accent (VERY American accent). I stopped what I was doing to walk into the living room (I stood in the doorway) looking at the TV, almost dumbfounded. I said to the students (in English; I usually spoke Dutch when I was "home"), "Do I sound like THAT?" and they assured me, no, my accent wasn't anywhere near as "bad" (when I spoke Dutch). I was so relieved!

It's not that I was comparing myself (or my accent when speaking their language) to the singers of the jingle; it really was the accent, but yes, I wondered whether I sounded that terrible. And was incredibly relieved when they assured me my accent was while speaking Dutch was fine.

I've always attempted to speak French, Spanish and Italian (not so much Yiddish, which I was taught as a child, although I'm not sure how well I ever learned it) with as close to native speakers' accents as I could get. The result was that as soon as I opened my mouth, I wasn't taken for an "ugly American," to borrow a phrase from an old movie that cast Americans in a bad light...

I don't remember ever comparing myself to other people as far as looks were concerned. I think I wondered how I'd look in whatever "she" was wearing, whether clothing or make-up, but it was along the lines of whether I might try something similar on myself, not whether I'd look as good as "she" did...

But I LOVE the "Comparison is the thief of joy” saying! Thanks for introducing it to me.

[louise]

broken hearted that 6 hostages were found murdered.

[brgmsn]

What other people think of me is none of my business can also be used in reverse. What I think about other people is also none of my (or their) business.
My heart is in little pieces.

[lee058]

Good morning everybody. Hope you are all well and SAFE! Please pray for Israel.

I am very upset about the hostages. Maybe praying will help.

Re today's topic: When I think of comparison, I try to keep things in perspective. Maybe things could be better, but they could also be worse. The Serenity Prayer helps me.

Have a peaceful day, Lee

[peachymom1]

OMG. I just heard about the hostages. My rabbi is a close friend of Hersh Goldberg-Polin (z"l) and his whole family. He's flying to Israel today for the funeral and shiva. My heart hurts and I wonder how this will all end.

[peachymom1]

It's good for me to turn my thoughts to something else, so I'm glad to think about Lynne's topic.

In my younger years, I was indeed envious of others, because I felt I didn't have much myself and would never measure up to anyone else. Counseling (among other things) helped me change my view of myself, and I learned that my identity is up to me alone to choose and develop. It's up to me to decide what's important and what isn't.

I have also learned that appearances can be deceiving -- cliche, but true. Remember that rabbi who shamed me in public and dressed me down for having the chutzpah to care about the hostages when I have no family or friends in Israel? Well, she always looks wonderful, dresses very nicely, hair always in place, expensive shoes, the whole bit. And she smiles at people, and I'm sure others think she's great. But I know who she is, and her appearances don't deceive me. I don't see anything about her to be envious about. Of course she's more learned than I am, but lots of people are, so she's nothing special.

I'm also thinking about another mom I knew many years ago. She had boy-girl twins who were in the same nursery school class at the synagogue as my DD was. She had no other children, and my twins were babies when DD started nursery school. I would see this mom every day when we dropped off our kids and picked them up, and at birthday parties and synagogue events and such. She was married to a doctor and was also a SAHM like me. I did feel a bit envious of her, because her life was so much easier than mine. They lived in a big, beautiful house with a pool (where they hosted swimming parties for the kids' birthday), they were comfortable financially, and they had household help as well. DH and I, OTOH, had to watch every penny, lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with three little kids, DH didn't make a whole lot of money, and I was busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. Imagine my surprise when this other mom told me one day how much she admired me for how hard I worked and how happy my kids were. "I want to be as good a mom as you are," she said. I stood there and couldn't say a word at first. I'd gotten so much criticism from other people for being a SAHM that I was stunned that someone I didn't know that well thought I was doing a good job.

You just never know other people's stories or circumstances.